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- April 2013

Woo hoo!!!!
16 Apr 2013, 10:17

Denial doesn't work for me but choice does!
12 Apr 2013, 11:54

It's all about honesty
08 Apr 2013, 12:38

After years, I no longer dislike myself
02 Apr 2013, 11:18

After years, I no longer dislike myself

by Incasplodge on 02 Apr 2013, 11:18

I have a terrible relationship with food. No, I have HAD a terrible relationship with food. What does it tell you that just writing those two short sentences brought tears to my eyes? Food has dominated my life from a very young age. I have been on diets since I was 18 - that is 26 years ago. I've had some success, my greatest was losing nearly 4 stone with Slimming World, but I've put 2/3s of it back on and re-joined SW after Christmas to stop the constant ballooning weight - it didn't.

My head wasn't in it. If my brain doesn't buy into the activity the body just won't play the game. From January to mid-march I was on just about the most self destructive food gig of my life.

Whilst going through the motions of 'following the plan' I was abusing the diet in ways that make me ashamed. I've told no one this and only write it now because this is anonymous. I was eating large bags of Revels almost daily, sneaking bread and slathering it in very, very thick 'Clover' and snaffling it down in secret. Great hunks of cheese, man I love cheese.

I tried to ask myself why I was doing this, but couldn't find an answer; Happy, Angry, Board, Ill, Nervous, Hungry, Sad, Habit, Self Hate - all of the above. I've seriously considered seeking psychological help, to unpick what feels like a 'cats cradle' of mess in my head - but I was too scared to make the call. Trust me I looked up contacts on the internet and researched their specialisms, I just couldn't make the call.

I am blessed with a very loving husband and daughter - no one could ask for more and I want to have a long a happy life with them. My parents are quite old and carry with them heart disease and diabetes which is what prompts me to act.

On the inside I am very, very angry. But, I don't want to be a victim here and I am so grateful to have stumbled onto the 5:2 diet.

It's early days, i'm on my third fast day and so far I find it easier to eat nothing until the evening meal, well maybe an apple. In a small way I am taking control over my mind and body again. I decide what I am going to eat and when, I no longer gorge myself secretly - in the last week and a half I have not eaten anything secretly. Gone are the feelings of resentment and depression when those I love suffer from my misery. We embrace my fast days and celebrate the 'normal' days. Without really trying I am now making better choices.

I still need to learn that during meals I don't have to eat until I feel fit to burst. Training my brain to relax about that may take a little longer than it has to accept the fast days.

After a very sociable and alcoholic Easter my body and my brain were screaming for a fast day - a new concept for me! Wanting to take a break from food and then not gorging and cheating myself with secret raids on the fridge.

I feel liberated, yes I want to lose weight (a couple of stone if i'm honest) but, what is more important to me is that my head is clearer. I don't feel like a slave to food, trapped in an endless cycle of abuse of my body through food.

I love the thought that I am starting to 'clean' my insides and my head, sharpen my brain; if a side effect of that is a reducing waistline then, as they say, it's a 'Brucie bonus!'

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