The FastDay Forum

So, here we go again... I am so sorry to come here, once again, to ask for your advice but, to be honest, there are not a lot of people I trust and you, my beautiful extended fastday family, are cursed with my trust. Poor you....

You all know how this past year has been tough. The first anniversary of my dad's passing is just around the corner, and I am "good" with that, I have now a healthy and deep relationship and am in a much better place than I was only weeks ago. This time last year I was with someone I didn't really know. I thought he was awesome, in fact he was rude, loving to treat me like I was nothing and even told me that "you're not the first person to lose her dad, deal with it". He also loved to humiliate me in public (when I saw him just a few days after the funerals, he told me "I had a stressful week, smile, be graceful fro god sake !" . I didn't leave him at the time because I was a coward and I couldn't deal with another big change. So we stayed that way. However in September,he decided to "punish me" and to "give me a lesson" and cut all contact for a month. You can imagine how stressful it was to deal with that. I didn't saw him until december, so 3 months later. He told me, at the time, that he wanted me to wake up and that's why he did it. Except, during that time I just get rid of all the feelings I had for him.

Around that time I met my actual partner. He's the complete opposite. 30 years younger than him, kind, thoughtful, incredibly sexy and as tall blonde with beautiful blue eyes as the other one is smallish brown eyes and white hair. One is delicate and is very cuddly and gentle, the other is thick and in your face. One I love with all my heart and share a deep connection with, the other one I just despise now.

I told my ex it was finished and we didn't saw each other since December and all would be fine and dandy except I learned today that he doesn't believe it's finished. He wants to see me next week (and I mean he wants to SEE me, if you know what I mean) and he just wrote an email basically saying that he couldn't thank me enough for my patience. For him, I can have someone on the side as long as he doesn't know

How do you deal with someone who doesn't want to admit the truth ? How can I get rid of him once and for all ? I told him, I was really really clear, It's OVER. He know I am with someone else, someone with who things are getting really really serious. I don't understand how men works...... Is that when they feel that you are out of their reach that they have the hunter in them that goes wild ?

So sorry for the rant, I prefer to do that here and not freak out in front of my lovely who doesn't need to deal with all my baggage right now

Dear @Manderley,
You do seem to get yourself into some tricky situations! I think that you are right about him - he thought that he had control over you and you have demonstrated that he didn't. His male pride is hurt and he needs to have you back in order to make himself feel better.

Now is the time to show your strength. If you don't want to see your ex-lover then don't! You have made it quite clear to him that it is over and now you must just keep saying 'NO!' I was taught years ago that in this type of situation, you must on no account enter into any negotiation, you just keep reiterating your decision with no discussion around it.

If he turns up on your doorstep, refuse to open the door. If he confronts you in the street then turn and walk away with no conversation. If he tries to communicate by letter, email or phone then don't respond. You are a grown woman and don't have to have any more to do with him. It's your choice.

Stay strong, don't weaken and enjoy the new man in your life!

Hi Mands I totally agree with stowys wise words ..
Stick with your kind gentle thoughtful man,don't give the ex another moment of your time
As the saying goes,That ship has sailed.. Xx

Hi Manderley,

I'm sorry this man is being so awful to you. I agree with what Stowie and Candice have said. Let me add that I know it seems rude to ignore someone who wants to connect with you; but in this case you must walk away to protect yourself.

Best wishes and hopes that he will get the message at last.

Thank you, ladies, for your lovely input

The thing is I hate confrontations and I prefer to be the dumpee, it's the easier way out. Did I mention he's married ? No, I don't think so. So, here it is, my ex is married. And for 30 something years he didn't married after we met. So yeah, @StowgateResident it was a habit to get in sticky situations but I was dumb and blind at the time and surely thought I couldn't get anything better.

It seems so cliché to leave a man after you fall for a way younger one (he could be his son ! ) . I have no idea if this one is THE one but it's pretty good and it's great to feel alive after dark months, even if it feels weird to have a huge grin on your face all the time Oh and I meet his son for the first times in a few days, which is freaking me out but that's okay, it's great to freak out because you have no idea how to deal with your partner's 4 years old child

I'm so happy your new man is a keeper!!!

I agree complete with Stowgate -- no need to respond to him. If he calls, hang up. If he shows up at the door don't answer.

Don't worry too much about the four year old I'm sure it will go well!

I can't say it better than Stowgate; you have already said your piece: I am done with you. ANY further response on your part just feels to him like his foot is in the door and he can "convince" you if he sees you. He apparently has a very high opinion of his charm (hah!). Look at it this way: you are helping him to accept reality by not giving him false hope (communicating with/seeing him), and not allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I can relate to not liking confrontation. Plus, his previous treatment of you was downright cruel--even had you not been grieving your dad, he was game-playing up the yin-yang...then when HE decides he wants to see you again, he thinks you're going to come running? Really??? It's great you have this wonderful new guy in your life, though I hope you would've shown this doofus the door anyway....

If he decides to come next week anyway, WE will be here to welcome him at the station and to put him in the next train. He sure has a high opinion of himself and his charm. He thinks that every woman fancies him, even his children's friends. Because, of course a 25 young woman will fancy a 57 year old man

Some men are all about control and there may be a time in one's life when it's the exact answer one's need. The funny thing is, the new man in my life is English - South London - so supposed to be obnoxious, cold and a bit arrogant, that's a good twist

Edit to add that I think I was ready to dump him anyway, even without someone else in my life. Once the grieving part not done but better dealt with, I would have been easier to get rid of him. The thing that made me wait is that I didn't see him that much anyway, twice a month at most so it was not like I was living with him or anything. I just don't know why he switched to the jerk zone after my dad died. It doesn't matter anyway now, I am in a good place with a man who respects me and seems to even love me, even if he's a tad younger than me. And he's English !!!!!

Hi Manderley,
Just drifting about the site while on a fast day and just saw yours.....isn't it really weird how a person can't have such a hold on another person when on paper they would appear to have nothing at all going for them? This ex sounds like he is stuck in a swaggering adolescent mind set, I have seen plenty of his sort, usually in relationships with friends not with me! Sounds like you are seeing him for what he really is now, well done. The fact that he could be cruel to you when you lost your dad should be a complete deal-breaker so you're right to cut him out entirely, there's no need for politeness, you owe him nothing except valuable life experience. I hope it works out with the new guy but even if it doesn't I hope you have enormous fun with him, and also with your new self and other friends. My husband is from South London and I think this cold arrogant image many of them have is a front - while liking to appear tough my man is funny kind and very emotional just under the surface. ...Good luck

@JLmid First of all, welcome in this incredible community
My ex didn't have that kind of jerkiness for the first 2 years we were together, he only became that way after my dad died. I have no idea why and don't care, really. As soon as he began to act that way the relationship was broken but I was not ready to break up, I would, however, have loved if he would have dumped me, which he didn't

You're right for the English / Londoner men, there are a lot of emotions behind the walls they build to shield themselves and, when you find one you have a real connection with you find warmth, passion and incredible wit. Everybody around me is stunned how much happier I am since we met, how good we are together. And what are the odds of meeting an English man in a tiny little town in France.... that's what I call a lot of luck and maybe a little bit of fate

Your new guy sounds great. Have you told him that your ex is lurking? I'm sure he will support you through this. Hopefully your ex will get the message. Stowgate and the others have given great advice. Don't let him have any power over you.

He does know, have read every mail or texts my ex wrote and is keeping is cool.... for now anyway. If the other one comes next week, he will be there to "welcome" him, make sure he gets the message and put him in the next train back to Paris

@Manderley, while you're right, it doesn't really matter "why" he reverted to jerk mode after your dad passed, perhaps it's genuine emotions that he can't handle. Especially considering how he was dismissive and impatient with your grief. I had a very different experience when my mom passed in 2002; she'd been very sick (kidney dialysis over 22 years) for a long time and we'd really mourned her ahead of time; her actual passing was a blessing for all concerned. So rather than an intense feeling of loss, I've dealt with a rather bittersweet process where I think about something from my early childhood, then realize the only person who could answer that is dead...My dad went to sea more than half the time till I was 17. I could tell some of my coworkers were judging MY way of grieving, that I wasn't crying and obviously sad. Just goes to show, no matter how you grieve, someone will judge you for it...

As the "other woman" you have a huge leverage, or does his wife knows of you? After all these years she must at least suspect something.
Anyway, you have gotten great advice already and I love the fact that you new love will be there if he shows up, the look on ex face will be unbelievable I think he voluntarily run the other way...if not, push him in the right direction. <g>

@ferretgalI am so sorry for how you mother suffered all these years... I think I understand what you mean, it's a bit what I am living with my own mother right now. My grieving of her will be very different from the grieving of my father. With him it was sudden, overwhelming and a shock. With her, it will be a relief because she's not here any more already and she's, at times, aware of all the faculties she already lost and her mental suffering is heartbreaking. There's no good or bad way to grieve but every body should be able to do it his/her own way and at his/her own pace.

I believe some people are just natural born bullies. And my ex is one of them, he was just good at hiding it at the beginning. My English man is not perfect, he's a weird, eccentric, artistic who tend to get bored quite easily so will do 100 things at the same time and can be intense but he's a good fit for me, I need that speed, that craziness in my life. To be able to dare things and go out of my comfort zone. Every day is new, unexpected, exciting. Every day is made of laughter and passion. After living in a very dark place for more than a year, meeting someone who make you feel alive and vibrant and strong is a blessing.

@Wolfie He has a weird marriage, they both had other people in their life for years. His best friend is an ex of his wife so I don't think she really cares. And I truly believe he's delusional enough to thin that, even proof right in front of his face, nothing is changed. He's not used of being rejected