The FastDay Forum

Hi everyone,

Wasnt sure how to get this off my chest then remembered I love this forum so thought I'd give it a go here. Recently I've been so self conscious and feeling not good enough in nearly every aspect of my life. My looks, body, my singing, my personality, my job.
I moved to Australia 2 and a half years ago but since then it's like my confidence has gone downhill? I can't talk to people without blushing unless I've had a drink, I feel I just sound silly and just always say strange things and then because I don't really have much to say I can't hold a conversation and certain people have made comments saying I'm cold and a bit rude.
I'm really, really not its just i feel so shy? (Doesn't feel like the right word)
I also feel so plain looking and I hate my body. I was looking at pictures of models bums on the net yesterday and just said to my boyfriend I don't know anyone in real life that looks like that. He said 'really' so I said why who do you know and he replied 'my ex'. He immediately knew he'd said the wrong thing and it was insensitive but I felt sick to my stomach and cried and I know that comment will be going round and round in my head for weeks. I woke up this morning and felt sick about it and I've still got what feels like a lead balloon inside my stomach
We went to the pub last night for karaoke (I'd say my boyfriend and I are both quite advanced singers without meaning to sound big headed) but afterwards at the end this girl who had also sang stood and told my boyfriend how amazing he was and didn't utter a word to me. My boyfriend said it was really mean and she's jealous but it made me feel so so crap. He is amazing and even if she didnt think I was good could she not have said something so I didn't feel so dreadful.
These are just a few examples. I don't know what to do about it anymore
Please if anyone is a bit like me or has any advice please let me know.
Lil

[Betsysgr8]

Lil I'm not very good at finding comforting words but I'm a really good hugger! Did you get it? Good!

Thanks Betsy. I know it sounds so stupid but it's taking over my life a lot more than it should.
I want to get out of the vicious cycle
Lil

[Betsysgr8]

I understand. Unfortunatly this is a really quiet time on the forum but there will be others along in a couple of hours that might be able to offer some suggestions and advice. Have you seen a doctor? Perhaps your hormones are a bit out of whack? Maybe a bit of therapy could help you regain your past confidence?

Lets see....this is what I hear you have got going for you so far....
1. You have found this wonderful WOE and the greatest most supportive forum ever !
2. You obviously have a good singing voice which is more than I can say about myself !
3. You have a boyfriend !
4. Add in some regular exercise which releases natural endorphins to make you feel even better !
5 Consider dumping the boyfriend as he may not be good enough for you !
My grandparents always told me that you are as happy as you make your mind up to be ! Smile as you have a lot going for you so far and there is good things to come !

Hi Lilsmiler, sounds like you've had some fairly major changes in your life! While there may be a medical cause, which would need to be ruled out, it sounds like you're experiencing anxiety which is made worse by some social situations.

Did you know that in Australia you can see a therapist which is subsidised by Medicare. You'd need to go to your GP and ask for a referral (it's called a Mental Health Care Plan, bad name I know!). You could also rule out any medical problems, or medication reactions which may be causing/contributing to it at the same time.

Anxiety is very very very common and fairly easy to fix. Also google some breathing exercises. Breathing correctly is a great calmer of the nervous system.

It's a horrible thing anxiety and unfortunately the more you 'buy into it' the more it pushes people around. Good luck. Hope you get on top of it.

If I knew how to put one of those emoticons in I'd do it now....Sending you hugs and good wishes.

1. Your boyfriend is an idiot. Maybe he is dragging you down? Get rid.

2. That girl who complimented him may have been attracted to him and could have been saying it in a flirty way. If you're advanced singers I'm sure you sounded great!

3. Not everyone in the world is super confident and outgoing. I am like you in some respects and find it difficult to make conversation. I hate my body - hence dieting. If only I could sing!

4. Don't try to please everyone else. Be you and be happy about it. You're you and you're amazing.

[Debs]

Hello you!

I can certainly relate to some of what you have said. I have had that reaction to me as well, about being rude and cold. I figure it is because I am shy, English and am not as easy going or 'foreword' as many Australian women (and to you Aussies, that is in no way a criticism, just my experience), and I am a lot more reserved in company. I hate large gatherings where I am expected to put myself forward and do not like being around strangers.

It sounds as though your boyfriend had a serious attack of foot in mouth there!! If he was in love with her bum, why isn't he still with her, why is he with you? There is more to you than your bum that's for sure! I do not particularly like myself and I don't like my husband seeing me unclothed even though I know he doesn't care what I look like! I suspect your boyfriend is the same, what did he say afterwards to try and make it up to you?

If you do decide to get therapy, I recommend Cognative Therapy, which I have had in the past quite successfully. It isn't about trying to shut out things that are wrong in your life but learning some level of acceptance and changing your thinking. I have had a lot of past problems which I have slowly learned to deal with even though it has meant some painful decisions about family members. I know that the brain can be retrained (see a Horizon program with M Mosely that was on tv a little while ago), and these days I do manage to realise when I am doing myself down, and pull away from it.

It sounds as though these two incidents are catalysts for realising what is wrong generally, rather then them being the main problem. Definitely get some professional help, it doesn't make you mad or daft, we all need someone independent sometimes to unload on. I have done counselling and know that sometimes even just talking like this can sort your head out!

I too would send hugs if I would find them on here!! Where in this big, brown land are you?

Deb

Thanks everyone for your reassuring and comforting replies.
I have to stress my bf didn't mean to upset me. He spoke before he'd had chance to think about it and I could see he regretted it immediately after and said he was an idiot. He tells me I'm gorgeous all the time but I just can't let myself believe all the nice things over the tiny things, if that makes sense.
Debs I'm in Sydney.
Lil

[Debs]

Yep, makes perfect sense to me. When your self confidence is low you can't imagine anyone would think well of you if you don't yourself.
It is difficult to tell you to learn to accept yourself as it can be hard and take a long time. I still have trouble, hopefully the successful weight loss will help that too.
I wish I was a bit closer than Hobart.

[Debs]

BTW, do you have any close friends there that you can talk to?

Thanks Debs I really appreciate it.
Yeh I do but there's only so much people can say really isnt there.
Lil

Being shy can be crippling, sounds like you have few friends out there, do you think you have become over reliant on your boyfriend? That can be a scary place to be when you're an anxious person naturally. I would suggest developing a better network, do you work? As that can be a good place to start even if they aren't necessarily people you'd hang out with, it would help you feel more independent which will build your confidence. If you don't work, perhaps a course or volunteering would have the same effect.
The important thing is that now you've identified a problem, seek to do something and if you need more support the professional advice thing sounds a good place to start. The fact you can get up and sing at kareoke is very impressive which tells me you can push yourself out your comfort zone! Good luck

Well said Deb. Just what I would have advised.

I also agree about your boyfriend. He obviously thinks a lot about you or he wouldn't be with you. And yes the other singer sounds like she was playing mind games with you. She could possibly fancy your boyfriend and be jealous of you.

I used to be painfully shy. A read a good self help book that helped me (unable to remember the name of the book). It used the saying 'fake it till you make it'. I have used this on many occasions. Faked that I was a confident person that is, and guess what? It worked. No, I am not the most confident person in the world, but I can now hold a conversation and speak up in meetings. I do still find small talk hard at times but now I try when before found it awkward.

I think you are a very brave person, moving to a new country and a new life. That's something many would not be able to do.

Try and relax and focus on the positive and the really good things in your life. Good luck.

Another great big hug on its way from me.

Lesley

hey there, my heart goes out to you. During my 20's I was very insecure and found myself in a constant state of anxiety in all of my relationships and constantly comparing myself to other women who I had assumed to be superior to me. Oh such a waste of valuable precious time. You are here on this forum trying to take care of your health so give yourself a huge pat on the back! You have a beautiful and strong voice and obviously have some confidence as I can't imagine ever singing in front of anyone and I love to sing! I would say that you must look inside yourself rather than to others, like your boyfriend, for a strong sense of purpose and to recognise all that you have on offer. I must say that once I stopped looking to others to confirm, affirm, or deny me, I reached a much healthier and happier place. Take the reins and enjoy your life! sending you lots of love and hugs!!!