The FastDay Forum

I dont really know if situations are getting me depressed, but I do have a nature for it. I can fall hard and today I feel like someone has died, but they have not. The issue feels worse than it warrants. That is how painful my thoughts are.

I have been very aware lately from talking with my almost 17 yr old daughter, that her group of friends are doing more and more fun things without her. I am truly surprised that they have not tired of her sooner than now and fear one of them will get mean on her and tell her to go away and ask why, why dont you talk?

My daughter suffers anxiety as a trait with her aspergers and as a result will not speak first or spontaneously. She will talk if someone speaks directly to her , but then its real short.

Her circle of friends are interacting with her less and less with each passing year, she is just there.
The people in her group, she calls them friends are around more or bit less one year younger than year, but they are now passing her in maturity. There were two girls in the group and I thought they would have supported a little more than this. I thoughts thats what friends were for.
I do feel the blame as I encouraged my daughter to disclose her diagnosis via text, of course. I thought those two would rally around her and give support, as they had this nature anyway, they knew something was amiss and now there was a reason.
My child is having CBT but will not do the work, necessary, she hates the feeling of anxiety and I do understand. I do realise maybe one day she may need to take medication so she survive the social world and mature. Her dad and myself and her teddy are her friends.
It was such a smack in the face to see one of the two girls has joined Facebook and of course the profile picture is of all the group celebrating the girls birthday and my daughter is not there and she had been to most of the girls birthdays in the past.
It is so obvious now the connection between the two girls in the group and my daughter is changing, they accepted her when they were younger.

I need to understand that my daughter is happy when she is in her bedroom on her own and not what society tells me what she should be doing.
Its really hard not to want for my daughter what every mum wants for their daughter, friends and fun.

She is still a mystery to me and I can read and read all I want, but as neuro typicals are each different so are individuals on the spectrum.
My daughter is only on the tip of the spectrum at the start, but her anxiety is huge, and she is really immature for 17.
Next year is her last year of secondary school and I see her world becoming really small.
She doesn't speak to me about her feelings, she says she doesn't know what they are.

I am sorry I have blown you all away with way to much info, but I am feeling really hopeless about it all. I ask her without too much suspicion if anyone said hello to her today and she can't recall and says no, she will only say it, if someone starts it.

It hurts like hell when your child has this going on.

My wish for neuro typicals in relation to people on the autism spectrum, is more often than not, NTs may not have the same issues, and it does brighten their day, when you say hello, they just struggle to know when and how to do it and some of the time they do know when they are ignored.
All I want for is understanding even more than acceptance.

i just had to put this down and out of my head. My biggest fear is not knowing her future. It does start with each day, now, little steps and at the moment she is not taking them.

Hugs Zamale. It's hard sometimes to accept our kids for who they are when they don't seem to be conforming with what society deems normal. My son can be a "loner" and yes I worry. I also know that he is just showing the same traits as many in my family, I can be like this too.
I don't have any answers except to be there and love her (which of course you do) and try not to let it get you depressed and if you figure out how to stop worrying then let me know so I can too.

That's so sad. Is there any way you can talk to a few of the girls and help them to understand your daughter a bit better. Maybe invite them round for a meal/takeaway/film (do late teens do that sort of thing anymore???).

The girls probably feel awkward and don't know how to handle the situation. They probably also feel pressured by the others to leave your daughter out because she's 'not cool', or maybe they've convinced themselves that your daughter isn't that bothered about hanging round with them.

I do think that if you could have a chat with them it might help. Hope you manage to find a solution that helps both you and your daughter. Good luck.

I feel for you zamale xx sending hugs xx
An old lady who lived in the street i grew up in used to say,A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child...and that is so true.
It's so difficult to see a beloved child have problems, we just want to smooth their path,but very often,we can't..my DD is in poor physical health and i wd give up everything for her health to improve.
Your DD is very fortunate she has such a great mum..maybe she doesn't feel the need to have a really close pal,tho of course its what you want for her..
like egregious said, maybe you can invite those two girls round at times for pizza and a dvd and keep the communication lines open that way xx

{{{+}}} hugs m'dear and hope for better days. Parenting is hard at the best of times (i.e. When the child is but a sleeping happily fed baby) and I am reliably informed that the first 20 years are the worst (this was true in my experience). Spectrum or not, teens are All Hard Work. Twenty-somethings are a tad more understanding, thirty-somethings are still tricky ... You get the picture.
You will always be the parent of your child but your child will find their own way of dealing with Life and People, and it may be rotten hard to watch.
Keep hugging her and giving your love endlessly.
I do. X

Oh, @zamale, this has struck such a chord with me.

I don't really have any advice, as my daughter is only just coming up 6. However, she almost certainly has Aspergers and she's happiest when she's alone, reading books or learning maths or science. She has one friend. I wish she had more, but she doesn't like dealing with people. Her one friend has lots of friends and is confident and gregarious. So my little girl sometimes gets left alone. I have to remind myself that she is happiest that way, and also that her one friend can't be expected to play just with her - especially when Roo can be very mean to her.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer you a big virtual hug and to let you know that I kind of understand how hard it is when you're neurotypical, and are the parent of someone on the spectrum. xx

No advice from me either, but just wanted to say I've read your post and I hope things work out for you and your daughter, and I'm sending you both virtual hugs!

Same as Nicky.

I'm doing CBT, it's quite hard work but does give you lot of new ways to approach things.

I do hope things improve for you soon.

Not sure exactly what to say but I'll respond with what I feel. I understand how awful it must feel to see your daughter's friends moving on (perhaps). I suppose 17 is a funny age, a lot of people getting into new things (some less good than others). I have a cousin with aspergers, and someone very close to me I believe has it as well as I am a psych nurse and have worked with it. The very close person who I feel has it can be a lot of work, but I think that is because I want him to want to socialise and sometimes I see him trying but that is only for me and I see his discomfort. I have accepted it now but I know that a daughter would be far more difficult to accept. You feel the pain of her friends moving on that perhaps she doesn't feel. I did some CBT a while ago (a few times really) and the key to success I felt, was a therapist with whom you get on with best. Good Luck x x

I have no solutions, but as a mom feel for you. When my oldest left home at the age of 16 to go to school, he had to share an apartment with a girl (one bedroom each) and she was so mean to him, turned friends against him....oh my. I had him on the phone 2hrs each day when he though life wasn't worth living and I though my heart would crash even more than it did from having him not at home with me Happily it all panned out and they are all great friends today, son is 100% good.

What I wanted to say by that is that girls that age can be so cruel - intentional or not. And since your daughter is so special, she's an easy target or - they are so full of themselves that they can't be bothered with someone who are not like them.

As a sufferer from inherited depressions traits X 2 I know what you are feeling. I use to say that it feels like someone try to carve out your soul with a rusty spoon, it hurts that much. Have you sought professional help for yourself? If not, do so, bad depressions don't heal themselves.
Biggest of comforting hugs!!

@Wineoclock

Thankyou for your support, sorry in being slack with my gratitude. I am appreciative, I just needed to step away from feeling it for a bit, the feelings that is. Seeing people understand is pretty cool, I must say. I do get in the rut of assuming no body cares, but that can be further than truth.

@egregious I honestly dont know what to do at the moment and currently dealing with therapy and cbt and exposures and encouraging my daughter to help herself. I will think about what you've said, just figuring it all out.

@CandiceMarie am truly sorry your DD is in ill health, I hope things can improve for her and it is true, I would swap the struggles my daughter has and have them for her as you would too for yours.
My child is happier about her Aspergers than I am. I've not known one day she is down, she laughs daily. Its me that worries for her.

@Azureblue I really like your support and I really get that. I have had to do it too with my older boys, watch them and hard rotten it is, no matter what the situation is. I can't do it for them, but it hurts all the same. I hug and kiss them every time I get the opportunity, all 3.

@imcountingufoz Thankyou for sharing me your story. Its nice that someone relates this, not nice that their are struggles and issues, but you know what I mean.

@Nicky_94 thanks for virtual hugs, one back at ya!

@David F Thanks, my daughter is doing CBT currently, but I have to give the push. If she wants to go to uni in 2 years , she can't be taking me with her, and will need to be able to seek and ask for what she needs, and talking with people comes with it, (hence CBT)

@debsie I appreciate your story and thankful. I am trying to accept she can be happy without doing what a lot of 17 year olds are doing. If she wanted to be doing those things and could not, it would be way more horrid with the struggling. I just wish she had one dear friend to call her own, she has one, but he is fluffy and stuffed. I do understand teens can experience a touch of narcissism and I am hoping all is not lost for later on, when these teens develop a sense of other around them and have empathy.

@Wolfie what an experience you had to endure as with your son also. How horrid that was in the initial stage. I am glad that is over, and your son is ok

Silly me thought since one of the girls in the group was studying psychology she would have empathy and knowledge, I was wrong wrong wrong. Aspergers is neurological and some of the traits psychological.

I know about the rusty spoon digging out chunks of your soul, it actually feels like a physical pain that feels so hopeless and pitiless like there is no ground, under that feeling.


I pray everyday, no one picks on her at college. Girls can be the cattiest and bitchy est. My daughter did endure 18 months of bullying in grade 3 and 4 by a girl 3 times bigger.

Thanks for the biggest hugs. They feel mighty good

Your daughter sounds adorable Zee....and the world wd be a better place if we all took her example and smiled every day and didnt let ourselves get down x

Thankyou for saying so. I really enjoy your avatar, forever changing rotating. You sound like a fun upbeat lady and always wishing everyone the best on a fast day.

Hello @zamale

My heart really does go out to you. I have a 21 year old son on the autistic spectrum, classically autistic as opposed to Asperger's. Over the years, I have watched him grow further & further away from his peers too. The difference is that we always say he is on his own planet, and believe me, that planet is a wonderful place to be. He is probably the happiest chap you could ever meet - and my point is, if your daughter is happy in herself, that is worth so much.

By the sound of it, she is really lucky to have you worrying about her. Family is everything. Keep the lines of communication open. Talk as much as you can. Holding a conversation is not something I can do with my son at all - because he doesn't operate at that level.

Do you have any Asperger's support groups nearby? It might help to talk to other parents. Perhaps online, like this one? Also, if your daughter has any particular hobbies or interests, is there any club she could join....with your help? I can totally understand you not wanting her to stay in her room all the time....so what can be done to get her out & about?

Aren't we lucky to have this forum? As the mother of a special needs child, it is easy to feel like you are the only person in the world carrying such a weight on your shoulders. Spend a little time on the forum however & you soon see that life is full of trials & tribulations for everyone. It's really quite humbling...

Depression is also something I am familiar with - so rant away anytime! I am so in favour of talking therapy - better out than in, I say......& sometimes it is easier to talk to people you don't know....

I really hope you feel brighter soon xxx

Having dealt with some depression in my family, Zee, I know a little of what you're feeling. I agree that talk therapy for everybody involved can be so helpful. I hope it's available for you.

Much love and many hugs for you.