The FastDay Forum

I really need some help with Sofias behavior before I get really angry and chuck her out in the garden for the fox!

When she's good, she's golden, but when she's naughty I end up in tears. She doesn't listen, ever, for example, when ever Stu or I ask her to tidy away some toys, it's simply "no, you do it" when we tell her it's her big girl job and if she does it she gets a gold penny (£1 to you and me!) she then bursts into a full on tantrum, screaming, throwing things, hitting her self.

Thing is, this happens for every thing, not getting a bag of crisps when she's just had breakfast, throwing things at the cat, ripping books, not going to the park, all sorts of things!

At the very frayed end of my tether now. We've tried consistently punishing her by taking away toys and £1s, putting her in a corner for 2 minutes or till she calms down, yelling at her (yes I know it's not a great thing to do) but it doesn't seem to register that if she behaves, she gets good things. Tried a star chart, giving her £1s (think i've already mentioned this) letting her choose a toy from a charity shop, letting her have a sweet, but that's done nothing!!

Can anyone give me some advice on something that could work?! Fed up of feeling like crap due to her behavior.

How old is she? Does she have any other issues?

2, very nearly 3, and no other issues thankfully!

How old is your daughter DragonsHeart? Just wondered if she's going through the 'terrible twos (or threes)' tantrum stage where she's trying to assert her independence by testing you and pushing the boundaries to the limit? Does she attend nursery or kindergarten and if so, does her behaviour there differ from at home or is she the same? All I can say is hang on in there and I'm sure it will pass in time as long as you remain consistent and try to stay calm and in control of the situation. Not easy I know! x

Reading everything you've tried, it sounds like you've tried everything - now is the time to be consistent. I'd stick to the 'naughty step' course of action (but you will probably get as many differing responses as there are people who read this) but be consistent.
When she's being 'golden', try to explain what will happen when she's naughty and, if she's old enough, get her to 'agree' to a course of action. Then be consistent. Transfer her to the naughty area and sit her there for the agreed length of time and stick to it. Above all, don't 'reward' the negative behaviour with toys/money, as she probably associates the manipulative outbursts with success - which is what she achieves. Make sure everyone in the family follows exactly the same procedure. Otherwise, she will just play one off against the other.
This is just my 'Penny's worth' and I do wish you luck.

To back up what Penny has said and being consistant is the most important piece of advice anyone can give a parent I would only sit her on the step for a couple of minutes at a time. i am sure one of the child psychologists said you should only punish in naughty areas for as many minutes as the child's age. Children are great at divide and conquering. My ES tried it once and we both rounded on him and he was punished that he didn't try it again. Have you got some activities planned for the rest of the week perhaps a timetable might help if she knows there are things planned.

Hi there, I can't recommend the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Dr. Becky Bailey highly enough. It gives you loads of strategies. And you could have a look at this link: http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/advice/0071471596.php

For the short term, I was stunned at how effective one little trick was with small children in the age range you're talking about: Contrary to my instinctive reaction (anger, yelling, ignoring)I would bend down, hug the child and say "it looks like you need an extra hug!". And hold her hands to stop her hitting herself and gently say, "no no, I can't let anyone hit my little (or big?) girl."
Sounds really corny, I know. But it works! Even during terrible twos.
Obviously every child is different, but since you say she's gold when she's good, maybe you could give this a try.
Good luck!!

I agree with Penny's approach, consistency is key and no rewards for bad behaviour.

You have stirred a 20 year old memory of mine. Struggling round the supermarket with my 2-3 year old who decided it was time for a horror of a tantrum. I was beside myself. I stood and watched her and then decided she needed to know how that made me feel. So, I lay down on the floor with her, and boy did I have the biggest tantrum I could muster. Result, she stopped and watched me in horror (as did all the other shoppers!). When I stopped we looked each other in the eye and I could see the penny had dropped. She got it. There were a couple more attempted tantrums but when she saw me slowly crouching towards the ground preparing for my tantrum, she immediately stopped hers. It may not have been the right strategy in some peoples eyes, but the result was we communicated and were able to move on.

Good luck and do come back and let us know how you are getting on.

As long as it was safe I used to simply remove myself from the area-no audience , no point seemed to work with my son.

Loads of great advice on here. I would say being consistent and trying not to get into a state yourself are the keys. Not easy I know I had three boys under 5 and 2 of them have ADHD though we didn't know at the time. We survived and they are all lovely young men. Keep strong, sending you big hugs x

Oh dear, I did a parenting course called 123 magic, it was a few sessions but the fundamentals are you are in charge so you need to have boundaries as to what is not acceptable, I guess you have to think if you little one always gets her own way now how is it going to look as she gets older. Also the boundaries really help a child to feel secure and learn what is acceptable behaviour. Too much to go into telling you here I would highly recommend you go to your local community / health neighbourhood centre and ask where and when next parenting workshops take place. We all have to learn strategies to stay on top for our kids and our sanity. It is amazing how kids respond when they learn there will be consequences eg naughty corner for x amount of time etc. Temper tantrums do eventually pass, our children grow up so quickly. All the energy you invest in learning how to effectively parent and navigate these tricky times will pay off. I loved the hug example ... so sweet and how about the full on tantrum demo
Best of luck you are not alone

@Alayne the hug method sounds very similar to Dan Hughes' PACE. My sister uses it very successfully in a children's home with extremely disturbed children and young people. She has difused lots of potentially very dangerous situations by using it.

Loulou51, then I'm sure that's where it originated! I just googled it to find out more and the basic principles are very like those suggested by Dr. Becky Bailey and Elizabeth Pantley.
On a side note to DragonsHeart: While I can't say we had the tantrum phase, I did this with my own boys as well whenever misbehavior from overtiredness or overwhelm or just plain naughtiness was on the horizon. They're 10 and 7 now, and when they sense that I'm tense or impatient, guess what they say? "Do you need an extra hug, Mommy?" It will melt your heart!

Hi DH! Not easy being a mum or dad is it...x x but never forget,you are the adults,she is a child..
Each child is different but they will all respond to @gillymarys boundaries and @PennyForthems consistency..
Get the boundaries in place now to avoid trouble further down the line,and be consistent -
never ever go back on something you say - if you have said you will remove a toy,it gets removed..both of you presenting a united front always
I agree with @Merlin too..we used to never react to a tantrum with our two year old...just ignored it despite" tuts " etc from others ..very quickly she wd calm down and start to shout "hape me ! " ( help me) at which point we could hug and cuddle her,kisses,wipe away the tears,and peace wd be restored
The only other thing i wd say is, a pound coin is quite a large amount for a very young child,maybe give smaller rewards ...a two/ three year old would be equally happy with a 10 p piece as a reward..a lot easier on yr pocket! XX

@lizbean the mental image yr tantrum tactic elicited was wonderful,made me chuckle!
@Alayne the hug thing is so lovely..a wonderful strategy x