The FastDay Forum

...and for everyone else to enjoy too,of course..
Tommy Cooper..he was so funny without needing to use the " F " word


1. Two women walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b****** " !

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

XX

Warning:
America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

Hahahahaha some of those were so bad I couldn't help but laugh!! Thank you, I needed that xxx

For all cat lovers. Sorry I could not download the pics to go with it, but still funny....
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets.

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonely here and it's difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.




And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name and you will call him DOG.'





And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.




After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved but perhaps too well.'


And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.



And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.



And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.


And the Cat . . .

didn't give a shit one way or the other.

We've got a pair of cats just like that!

Cats get such a bum rap. We've got two who throw themselves at us, just hoping to be petted and scratched behind the ears. They do sometimes like to do their own thing, but I can appreciate that!

Any Thursday fun anyone? It's lunchtime and a fast day and could do with a distraction

Just for you Karen to make you smile!
Funny Things People Said In Court

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The post mortem started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an post mortem.-

Funny Court Quote:
Q: How old is your son – the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.---

Funny Court Quote:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year ---.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: This myasthenia gravis – does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Funny Court Quote:
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?--

Funny Court Quote:
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. --

.
Funny Court Quote:
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan- .

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think ---.

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.--

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?---

Funny Court Quote:
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?---

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Did he kill you?

Funny Court Quote:
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Funny Court Quote:
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? --

Funny Court Quote:
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?--

Funny Court Quote:
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Funny Court Quote:
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? --

.
Funny Court Quote:
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?--

Funny Court Quote:
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? --

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your lawyer?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.-

Funny Court Quote:
Q: Doctor, how many post mortems have you performed on dead people?
A: All my post mortems are performed on dead people. - --

Some great quotes! ;0)

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin - Lillian Carter
(mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat- Alex Levine

Money can't buy you happiness.... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

*May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.*

I wrote yesterday how Nans used to always be fat when i was a kid..but nobody cared...Nans just wore big wrap round aprons..then i saw this...


Someone sent me this recently ..brought back memories of my Nan
i don't think i ever saw her without her floral wraparound pinny in place

The History of 'APRONS

I don't think our kids
know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few.
It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material.
But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes
half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids..
And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.
After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron
could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew
it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron'
that served so many purposes.
REMEMBER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.

I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron - but love...

XXX

Puny: "time to reclaim the colonies".... Brilliant, loved it. Thank you.
CandiceMarie: caught nothing but love from that pinny - how wonderful

Thanks everyone, bringing a smile to my face x

Thank you Candice. Really brightened my day and now I'm all set until dinner. I loved the "give me an example of something you have forgotten" and I remember with great fondness hiding I to my grandmas piny when I was little.