Here is my 'Actiderm' diary of events..........
FIRST AID FOR FAT FILLIES!
I was delighted to be included in the 'Actiderm Body Wraps' trial but I felt that 'Body Warps' was probably a more apt name, well, for me at least. I watched the promotional video, wiped the tears of laughter away, got myself some dry knickers, another bottle of wine and thought "What have I let myself, and my poor unsuspecting husband, in for?". He is useless at wrapping Christmas presents so goodness only knows how he is going to manage to gift wrap me in bandages and cling film.
Actually, I'm rather excited and have quite high hopes that my 'needs a good ironing' body will benefit from being mummified, cant possibly be any worse than it is at present. I assume the cling film is to keep me from drying out, we shall see.
I would love to say that my body is a temple but the reality is it is more like a crumbly old ruin! My upper arms have been known to frighten small children, my thighs are no longer allowed out except under cover of darkness and the least said about my stomach and spare tyres (yes, plural) the better. Let me tell you, my body is a work of art, unfortunately it looks as though the artist was Picasso.........during his Origami phase. (did he have an Origami phase? )I am certainly having one. My skin has not just lost its firmness, it's lost its will to live, the wrinkles are so deep you could plant potatoes in there, well, you could but I believe we should limit our carbs, I suppose it diverts the eye from the face so perhaps not all bad!
For once I was happy about going to the supermarket as I was going to get in my supply of cling film, hubs was bemused as he understood we had loads at home so I explained why we needed more. We need more because we have some sort of industrial container with a cutting edge of serrated teeth and what you do is put your soon to be cling filmed item on the worktop in front of this box, you then start to unroll the cling film and wrap it around the aforementioned article before clamping the top down to cut off your fingers and any other part of your anatomy that has the temerity to get in the way, Madame Dafarge would have loved this little domestic sized guillotine. I pointed out that it would not be practical for him to get me laid out on the worktop with my head jammed in the microwave at one end and my feet stuck in the bread bin at the other and then proceed to turn me like a spit roast being basted in plastic, much easier to just buy a small handy roll of the stuff and do the deed from a standing start. At this stage of the proceedings I was not sure if I should stand still and he would run round me with the bandages etc or should he stand still and I would twirl around like the demented Ballerina which I am.
He is now convinced that women in general and his in particular are mad, can't argue with that one!
The postman has taken to avoiding me, I'm sure he thinks I'm stalking him as I get more and more excited about the arrival of my shape shifting kit. It actually arrived by courier so the postman can now sleep easy, unlike hubs.
Goodness, I never thought I would find bandages so exciting, they look lovely. I reluctantly decided to do this on my own, I don't need negative people around me whilst I am transforming my stomach from a bag of wrinkles to a bag so sleek that 'Dior' would want to slap an extortionate price tag on it and display it in it's Bond Street window. So, here goes. Read the instruction leaflet carefully, oh, there isn't one, oh well, look on the side of the box and do what it says. Right, clothes off except underwear and this is the first mistake. You really need to do this au naturelle, it is easier and less messy but it means that you also have to do it in your bedroom with the curtains closed or the neighbours will also think you are mad, or worse. So, I took the required measurements, noted them and started to rub the lotion in. It smells quite nice and is very easy to use, now the bandages, they have no smell and, on your own, are not quite so easy to use but with a little bit of unladylike language and a lot of huffing and puffing I finally got myself wrapped up. Now for the cling film, well, what can I say? At least you now have somewhere to tuck the cling film into, and by 'somewhere' I mean the bandages, O.K?, whilst you contort yourself trying to unroll and wrap at the same time. More unladylike language later and I have done it, I am mummified and I have to say that I now look rather trim, stupid, but trim. At this point, hubs came looking for me and as he surveyed the scene he took on the same expression as Edvard Munch did in his famous self portrait, 'The Scream'! (I can only assume that Mrs Munch had also tried 'Actiderm Body Wraps') This is when you realise, with some discomfort, that it is impossible to laugh whilst your torso is encased in cling film, it really is difficult so hubs, and his shocked face, were banished before I ruptured something trying not to laugh. He had no such inhibitions, or bodily restrictions, so I could hear him howl hysterically as he retreated downstairs and poured himself a stiff drink to try and erase the sight from his memory or failing that, to ease the pain of gouging his eyes out. Now to keep warm, big fluffy towel and then hub's huge black furry dressing gown. I had an hour, and a husband, to kill and as it was not only painful to laugh, it was impossible to sit down, so I just prowled around looking like some huge black bear out foraging. As a way of passing the time, prowling is rather boring so it was with great relief when the hour was up and I could shed my cocoon and let my inner butterfly emerge, all smooth and transformed. I took the measurements again and there was between ¼ and ½ inch loss at each point and my skin felt lovely and soft. The bedroom now looked as though it had been the setting for a scene from '50 Shades of Gray', hubs was rather the worse for drink and I was just glad to be able to sit down.
About 20 minutes after I removed the bandages I did another set of measurements, this was not included in the instructions but I was curious and found I was back to where I started so I, reluctantly, came to the conclusion that any inch loss was temporary and due entirely to the effects of compression. The instructions advise you to take your measurements again in the morning but I feel this is slightly disingenuous as, lets face it, we are all lighter and slimmer first thing in the morning. I did everything they advised to the letter as I really wanted to give this my best shot. The company had very kindly allowed me to trial their product and I wanted to be able to endorse it with an honest and glowing recommendation Unfortunately I have to say that, for me, it made absolutely no difference, no matter how many times I did it, and I did persevere. Perhaps it was just me and if anyone is thinking of trying it I would never say don't, you may be more successful than I was, I hope so.The trimmest I looked was when I was securely wrapped in the bandages but I could hardly promote that as a selling point even though it may be the answer, perhaps industrial strength elasticated knickers would be the more practical solution.
Thank you to Moogie for putting my name forward and thank you also to 'Actiderm', I'm just sorry that it did not work for me.
Next up in the quest for a smaller waist and flatter stomach is a hula hoop, mmmm, on the other hand...........!!