My nemesis, aka the 40 ton trailer, has decided not to hang aroung for a second 'Glasgow Kiss', hubs thought I must haved really scared it, mmmm. The bruising on my eye is still on the creep but otherwise all is well with the rest of my head, actually it's my stomach that isnt so good today. Too much jungle juice last night, no one to blame but him indoors so he might as well take the flack. We meandered into town about tea time and settled ourselves on the front with a refreshing beer ( make that 3 ! Ooops ! ) to watch the world drift by. As usual, there were some amazing sights, us included. People watching is such great fun and tomorrow we shall have our swivelling heads on in St Tropez as Elton John, Simon Cowell, Madonna and a few other un-noticables are in the resort to let their adoring public see them so, just like us then? As we were sitting in the evening sun being horrid about our fellow tourists one old lady hobbled by and for a split second I thought it was Bertha, obviously is wasn't her as she has been dead for a couple of years but even if she was still in hobbling mode it is unlikely the nursing home would have allowed her out. Bertha was in the same part of the home as my mother and she was a feisty old bird, I loved her. All day she would sit in her chair and talk non stop whether she had company or not and most of it was complaints, why not, she had nothing else to do. She was from 'oop narth' ( that would be northern England ) and had that typical northern ascerbic wit. I'd be watching my mother sleep in a nearby chair and bertha would be giving it 6 nil.....
'Can a 'av a coop a tea, can soom one get doctor, am dyin, me head urts, me stomach urts, is thur anybody thur, this place is bloody disgrace, whurs me dinner'.....( Please may I have a cup of your delicious beverage, would someone please be kind enough to ask a doctor to attend me, I feel I may not be long for this place, oh dear, my head is aching, am I alone in this erstwhile establishment, this environment is well below par, does any kind person know of the wherebouts of my evening meal? ) and so it would go on, hour after hour. The young fillipino lad Jun, he of the 'cat up his nose' whom I wrote about earlier in the year, was always lovely to her and never got bored of her complaints or her demands. One day she asked me to get her a cup of tea but I told her I was not allowed to do that and she would have to wait for Jun.
'Bloody 'ell, 6 months for a coop o tea, this place gets worse' ( Good heavens young lady that is rather an extended delay, the standars in this hotel are plummeting )
One morning when I popped in she looked rather, well, not her usual self I suppose would describe it. I asked the carers what had happened to her as she appeared, overnight, to have grown some sort of strange mullet hairstyle. We all surveyed the odd barnet and decided that whoever dressed her that morning had put her wig on back to front. Without further ado and without taking it off,one of the carers swivelled the wig on her head and then we all took turns doing minor adjustments till the Bertha we all knew and loved was restored. Bertha slept throughout the whole debacle.
One day Bertha was being extremely loud in her catalogue of complaints so young Jun asked her what was wrong,
'Ave got a sor boom, lad, get me coop o tea' (Good day young man, I appear to be suffering some discomfort in my rectal area )
'Berta, you have sore battam?' ( Bertha dear, do you have a sore bottom?
'Aye lad, a sor boom'( You have made the correct assumption, thank you )
'Berta, would you like for me to sing you 'The sore battam Song?' ( Bertha, would it relieve your distressing symptoms if I caroused you with 'The Sore Bottom Song? )
'Ee lad that would be rit champion'( Well, that would be absolutely wonderful, thank you )
So Jun proceeded to sing the 'sore bottom song' to Bertha, it was a parody of the old 'Que Cera, Cera' song and this is how it went,
'Hey sore arse, sore arse,
This song is for you from me,
Your battams an arse we see,
Hey sore arse, sore arse' ( I feel translations are unneccesary at this point!)
By this time some of the other fillipinos joind him and they all were singing in some sort of harnmony, like a band of wandering minstrels, a deranged beat combo, or something similar. When they had finished Jun said,
'Berta, how is your sore battam now?' ( Bertha, how goes your rear end now? )
'Ee lad its loovely, thanks ever so much, now go get me tea' (Thank you, that was quite delighful and I feel medical intervention is no longer needed )
I can't remember any of the other other verses as I was laughing so much. I rushed home to tell him indoors but I couldn't get the words out for laughing and he ended up howling with laughter as well even though he had no idea what he was laughing at, says something about him I fear.
Slightly overcast here and the temp is a cool 25 degs which makes a pleasant change from the 36 degs which it has been although it should heat up again later in the week so my tan will not have time to fade, thank goodness. Funny thing is I arrived with dark hair and light skin and I shall go home looking like some sort of negative version of myself with light hair and dark skin, hey ho, take care mes amies
Ballerina x
'Can a 'av a coop a tea, can soom one get doctor, am dyin, me head urts, me stomach urts, is thur anybody thur, this place is bloody disgrace, whurs me dinner'.....( Please may I have a cup of your delicious beverage, would someone please be kind enough to ask a doctor to attend me, I feel I may not be long for this place, oh dear, my head is aching, am I alone in this erstwhile establishment, this environment is well below par, does any kind person know of the wherebouts of my evening meal? ) and so it would go on, hour after hour. The young fillipino lad Jun, he of the 'cat up his nose' whom I wrote about earlier in the year, was always lovely to her and never got bored of her complaints or her demands. One day she asked me to get her a cup of tea but I told her I was not allowed to do that and she would have to wait for Jun.
'Bloody 'ell, 6 months for a coop o tea, this place gets worse' ( Good heavens young lady that is rather an extended delay, the standars in this hotel are plummeting )
One morning when I popped in she looked rather, well, not her usual self I suppose would describe it. I asked the carers what had happened to her as she appeared, overnight, to have grown some sort of strange mullet hairstyle. We all surveyed the odd barnet and decided that whoever dressed her that morning had put her wig on back to front. Without further ado and without taking it off,one of the carers swivelled the wig on her head and then we all took turns doing minor adjustments till the Bertha we all knew and loved was restored. Bertha slept throughout the whole debacle.
One day Bertha was being extremely loud in her catalogue of complaints so young Jun asked her what was wrong,
'Ave got a sor boom, lad, get me coop o tea' (Good day young man, I appear to be suffering some discomfort in my rectal area )
'Berta, you have sore battam?' ( Bertha dear, do you have a sore bottom?
'Aye lad, a sor boom'( You have made the correct assumption, thank you )
'Berta, would you like for me to sing you 'The sore battam Song?' ( Bertha, would it relieve your distressing symptoms if I caroused you with 'The Sore Bottom Song? )
'Ee lad that would be rit champion'( Well, that would be absolutely wonderful, thank you )
So Jun proceeded to sing the 'sore bottom song' to Bertha, it was a parody of the old 'Que Cera, Cera' song and this is how it went,
'Hey sore arse, sore arse,
This song is for you from me,
Your battams an arse we see,
Hey sore arse, sore arse' ( I feel translations are unneccesary at this point!)
By this time some of the other fillipinos joind him and they all were singing in some sort of harnmony, like a band of wandering minstrels, a deranged beat combo, or something similar. When they had finished Jun said,
'Berta, how is your sore battam now?' ( Bertha, how goes your rear end now? )
'Ee lad its loovely, thanks ever so much, now go get me tea' (Thank you, that was quite delighful and I feel medical intervention is no longer needed )
I can't remember any of the other other verses as I was laughing so much. I rushed home to tell him indoors but I couldn't get the words out for laughing and he ended up howling with laughter as well even though he had no idea what he was laughing at, says something about him I fear.
Slightly overcast here and the temp is a cool 25 degs which makes a pleasant change from the 36 degs which it has been although it should heat up again later in the week so my tan will not have time to fade, thank goodness. Funny thing is I arrived with dark hair and light skin and I shall go home looking like some sort of negative version of myself with light hair and dark skin, hey ho, take care mes amies
Ballerina x
