The FastDay Forum

A defence lawyer was cross-examining a police officer during a trial -- it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several streets away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defence lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

I have no idea how many of these are true, or have ever been true. But, in my local very small city, it is still legal for an English man to kill a known Welshman with a longbow if the Welshman is in the Cathedral grounds.

Alabama

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

Alaska

It is illegal to wake a sleeping bear to take it's picture(especially a sleeping war bear)

California

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Bathhouses are against the law.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.

Florida

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.

Kansas

Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.

Louisiana

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
It is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Indiana

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
Liquor stores may not sell milk.

Michigan

You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of
Michigan.

Nebraska

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

New York

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

North Dakota

Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.

Ohio

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.(odd because there are no oceans let alone whales in Ohio)
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

Pennsylvania

A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.

Texas

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Wisconsin

You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Australia

Children may not purchase cigarettes, but can smoke them.
You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle.
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.
It is illegal to read someone's tarot, or give them a psychic reading as these are forms of witchcraft.
Under Australian Communications Authority (ACA) regulations, your modem can't pick up on the first ring. If it does the ACA permit for your modem is invalid and there's a $12000 fine. - Telecommunications Act 1991.

England

Those wishing to use a television must apply for a license.
It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.
Picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism.

France

Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by French composers.

Thailand

It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
You must wear a shirt while driving a car.
You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you're caught throwing away chewed bubblegum on the sidewalk. If you do not pay the fine, you are jailed.
No one may step on any of the nation's currency.

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE!!

And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.

They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this

house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the

light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD

for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the

chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the

STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID

#)&*!@!! LIGHT BULBS CAME IN.

WHY???

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM GARBAGE THROUGHOUT

THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO

CLEAN THIS HOUSE!!!

Sperm Count
An 85-year-old went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. she tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach
when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish. The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required for reaching the bottom of the
Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy."

The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?

A Fairy Godmother Visits
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes!

"Well now", says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich".

***POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold!

"I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

***POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" Asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh-can you change my cat into a handsome prince?" she asks.

***POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Who died the worst death??

Three men arrive in the gates of heaven. unfortunately St. Peter informs them that they will only be taking 33% of entrants today, and that the entrant would be picked depending on who died the worst death.

The 1st man says:

Well i suspected my wife was cheating on me, so i came home early from work one day. I was right, i found her naked in the bed, but I couldnt find the bastard anywhere. After looking for like 10 minutes i found him hanging from my balcony, i then proceeded to stamp on his feet, but he still clinged on, so, i looked for a hammer and beat his fingers to pulp. Now, this bastard was really lucky and fell on some bushes, so he was still alive, i was so pissed off i dragged the fridge, which wayed a ton, and dropped it on him, afterwards i felt so much remorse i jumped off the balcony.

The 2nd guy says:

I was on my balcony practicing yoga exercises from i book i had purchased a few hours early, when i tripped and fell off the balcony. Luckily i grabbed a hold of one of the ledges of a balcony downstairs. Then all of a sudden this crazy madman started stamping on my fingers, i held on for dear life, but he got a hammer and beat my hands to a pulp. I was lucky and landed on bushes which saved me, but this guy wasnt finished, and the last thing i saw was a fridge falling straight down at me.

The 3rd guy then says:

Well..... Imagine your naked in a fridge...

daily thoughts of cats and dogs

From a Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates of what I am capable. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for now.

Not a joke, but it will tickle you, if you are female.

http://vitaminl.tv/video/955

I Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies,your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU 'RE NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3.The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like!!Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Betsysgr8]

With Thanksgiving just around the corner for Americans and Christmas not too far off for the rest, thought everyone would enjoy this Holiday bird. http://images.businessweek.com/ss/05/11 ... age/01.swf

*** Warning for those on computer at work, Turn down the Volume!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, " Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.

" CASE DISMISSED!!"

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


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A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.


He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"


The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."


The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

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A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

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A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.