The FastDay Forum

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Sign on the door of a vet's waiting room: "Back in five minutes. Sit... Stay!"

A sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix"

On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

A sign in the non-smoking area of a restaurant: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

Ad on the side of a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Another slogan on the truck of a plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Pizza shop slogan: "Seven days without pizza makes one weak."

I forgot to post my favorite joke (I don't have too many since I generally forget them as soon as I hear them) until I posted just now on another thread about my hysterectomy. This works better out loud, so go ahead and read it out loud.

What do you call it when you get your tonsils out?

A tonsillectomy.

What do you call it when you get your appendix removed?

An appendectomy.

What do you call it when a woman gets a sex change operation?

Addadicktome.

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''

A university student delivers a pizza to an old man's house. "I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student.

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

It is winter and an Alsation and Dashshund are standing side by side in the snow on the pavement in deep snow.
"Blimey" says the Alsation. "My paws are freezing".
"Don't tell me about it ", says the dashshund, "I've got my own problems".

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks> at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices and asks "Is your date running late?"
"No" he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it"
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing knickers."
Bond smirks and taps his watch. "Bloody thing's an hour fast"

Your jokes are all brilliant, thanks so much for a laugh at the start of my day :0)

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.