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Things you know because of TV...
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
- You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
- People of TV never finish their drinks.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- The chief of police is always black.
- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
- Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
- If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
- All single women have a cat.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
- Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
- If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
- During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
- If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
- You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
- Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
- You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
- People of TV never finish their drinks.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- The chief of police is always black.
- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
- Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
- If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
- All single women have a cat.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
- Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
- If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
- During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
- If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
- You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
- Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
The Older Husband
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.
She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."
Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.
She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."
Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his
antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his
antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
Absolutely fabulous thread. Lightened up my fasting day no end. Here's more, along the lines of the legal howlers:
These are sentences exactly as typed (apparently) by medical secretaries in the NHS. (UK National Health Service)
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
> 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed
> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
> 9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
> 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
> 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
> 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
> 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
> 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
> 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
> 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
> 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
> 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
> 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
> 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
> 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
> 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
> 32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
> 33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
These are sentences exactly as typed (apparently) by medical secretaries in the NHS. (UK National Health Service)
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
> 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
> 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed
> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
> 9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
> 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
> 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
> 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
> 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
> 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
> 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
> 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
> 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
> 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
> 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
> 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
> 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
> 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
> 32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
> 33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
An Eskimo is on holiday in Scotland. He is driving through Aberdeen in his hired car. It stops running in the middle of town, so he calls the car hire place. They send out the AA breakdown facility. On inspecting the car, the mechanic explains to the eskimo "Hmm I guess you have blown a seal on your travels". The Eskimo replies rather angrily "You've got a cheek considering what you do to sheep!"
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just
doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah.
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and
all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk... sorry...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates, damn it!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try,
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah.................... thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working
fine."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah.
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and
all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk... sorry...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill Gates, damn it!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try,
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah.................... thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working
fine."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
50 Shades – the Sequel
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out..........
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out..........
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "*bleep* You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "*bleep* You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(You've got to love military time!)
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(You've got to love military time!)
10 Worst Company Domains
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at gotahoe.com
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at gotahoe.com
The domain name one made me laugh and wince at the same time. My company domain name was a mistake too - not as risque as some of the above, but just a mouthful and always gets read wrong.
What I also thought was hilarious was the advert at the bottom of the screen suggesting very seriously where to buy domain names - the software picks up the words but not the intent, obviously!
What I also thought was hilarious was the advert at the bottom of the screen suggesting very seriously where to buy domain names - the software picks up the words but not the intent, obviously!
@Julieathome you're the best. (@Izzy not far behind.
I'd seen those autocorrects before, and still I could hardly read them for laughing so hard. What a great way to end a fast day!!!
I'd seen those autocorrects before, and still I could hardly read them for laughing so hard. What a great way to end a fast day!!!
An out-of-breath 8 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When Grandpa was finally done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing that she was overwhelmed, he asked her what had caused the sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When Grandpa was finally done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing that she was overwhelmed, he asked her what had caused the sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."
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