What's brown and sticky?
A stick
A stick
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A jumplead walks into a bar. The barmaid says "All right, I'll serve you. Just don't start anything!"
A vicar, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barman says, "What is this? Is this some kind of a joke?"
There was once this hippy in San Francisco who was on a bus. He was stoned so when he saw a pretty nun reading the bible he went over and said "How about we hook up?" The nun replied "I am in love with Jesus Christ and my virginity is sacred." As the chastened hippy was leaving the bus the driver said "If you really want to get together with that nun go St. Agnethas church on Sunday. She's always there, she really loves Jesus." This gave the hippy an idea and on Sunday he dressed like Jesus and went to the church. He saw the nun and cried out "It is I!" and the nun ran into his arms. Afterwards, he pulled off his robes and shouted "I am the hippy from the bus!" to which the nun replied "And I am the bus driver!"
Last day on earth ...
OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE...
All arrivals in Heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry
that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next
room.
He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellows in here just before you."
"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this...,
I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest----"
OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE...
All arrivals in Heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or
her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry
that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next
room.
He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellows in here just before you."
"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this...,
I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest----"
The vet tells mr jones he has to put his dog down. But why asks mr jones. Because its too heavy replies the vet.
A nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" The nun asked. "It's the blind man" came the reply. Thinking he won't see anything, she asked him to come in. When he entered he asked. "Where do you want these blinds hanging?"
Ha! Ha! Love this thread - we'll all be getting a telling off from PennyForThem! 
@ betsygr8 I will be telling that one in the pub later! We're a bawdy crowd, after the rugby, so it will go down a treat! 
@ betsygr8 I will be telling that one in the pub later! We're a bawdy crowd, after the rugby, so it will go down a treat!
Is it just me, or does anyone else find this funny? 
Church Ladies With Typewriters
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work.. You're smiling already.
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work.. You're smiling already.
Q. Whaddya call a fat computer?
A. Adele.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’
So I bought her some new bathroom scales.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
OK, I'll go to my room.
A. Adele.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’
So I bought her some new bathroom scales.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
OK, I'll go to my room.
Another one from Facebook.
How to Give a Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.
Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
How to Give a Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.
Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
Boom Boom!
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
Boom Boom!
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