The FastDay Forum

The New Zoo Keeper


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites
him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a
spade.


Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he
disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp
house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with
coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them
both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to
himself, because lions eat anything..


He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is
to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is
attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees
to a pulp. By now he knows what to do
and shovels them into the lions' cage
because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at
the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says:


"What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant.

Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

Tow old ladies in a nursing home discussing the fact that the men in the next sitting room ignore them.
I know said one we will take off our clothes and streak past them.
The did this and one old man looked up and said to the man next to him, did you see that
What were they wearing.
The other man replied I don't know but needed a damn good ironing.

I remembered this joke when I was reading the loose skin thread.

Yes, but did you know the blokes returned the compliment and streaked past the two old ladies.

One had a stroke and the other couldn't reach

[Betsysgr8]

Not a joke but I thought it was cute.

One late dark night a robber was tiptoing through a house he was burgling. In the livingroom he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice call out "Jesus is watching you" The robber started tiptoing again and the same loud voice boomed out "Jesus is watching you!" The robber stared through the dark room and saw a bird cage in the corner with a parrot in it. "Did you just say that Jesus is watching me?" he demanded. "Yes" replied the parrot. The robber breathed a sigh of relief. "What's your name?" he said. "Percy" replied the parrot, proudly. The robber sneered. "What idiot called you that?" Percy replied, "The same idiot who called the Rottweiler Jesus!"

[wildmissus]

My daughter's favourite joke - What do you call two robbers?................A pair of knickers.

[Betsysgr8]

SEX AT 68

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

Lars and Laura were sitting in the kitchen having their coffee and listening to the radio. "Snow warning today of 2-3 inches. All vehicles should be parked on the even numbers side of the street" Lars got up and put on his snow clothes and boots and went and moved the car.
The next morning, as they were drinking their coffee the radio announcer said "Snow warning today of 4-6 inches. All vehicles should park on the uneven numbers side of the street." Lars groaned, got up and dressed for the weather and went and moved the car.
The next morning as Lars and Laura were drinking their coffee, and listening to the radio, the familiar message came on "Snow warning today of 6-8 inches and vehicles must be parked on the even number side of the street". The storm was howling outside as Lars groaned, but stood up to get dressed warmly. "Oh, for god's sake Lars," said Laura. "Just leave the car in the garage.!"

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. Yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your
Life worth living."
The barman was almost crushed to death.

What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
Anyone can make roast beef!

A cannibal went on holiday & came home with no arms or legs. When asked what happened, he replied - it was self catering.

These have made me smile this morning! I can't think of a good one to post right now!

There were three guys, one Greek, one Italian and one French, sitting in a café drinking and discussing who had the superior culture. The Greek said, "Well, we have the Parthenon." To which the Italian replied, "Ah, but we have the Coliseum." The French guy sipped his wine. The Greek said "We gave birth to advanced mathematics" to which the Italian replied "Yes, but we built the Roman empire." the French guy just kept sipping his wine. Then the Greek guy said with a final flourish, "We invented sex!" and looked around triumphantly. The Italian didn't reply, the French guy put down his wineglass and said "Yes, but we introduced it to women!"

When his wife died Gordon went along to make the announcement in the local Edinburgh gazette. When informed it was no longer free, he thought for a minute and said "Och well" and looked crestfallen. Angus, the gazette reporter said, "Aye, it's only free for notices under five words." Gordon took out his pen and wrote on the memorium form "Morag died. Car for sale."