The FastDay Forum

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Another one from Facebook.

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill.
Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.

Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

I have done the first nine! Brilliant

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking." Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st first floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

Victoria Wood, doing it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZCIKjYDf1g

The lyrics.

Freda and Barry sat one night.
The sky was clear. The stars were bright.
The wind was soft. The moon was up.
Freda drained her cocoa cup

She licked her lips. She felt sublime.
She switched off Gardeners' Question Time.
Barry cringed in fear and dread
As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Do it while the mood is right!
I'm feeling
Appealing.
I've really got an appetite.

I'm on fire
With desire.
I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I don't believe in too much sex.
This fashion
For passion
Turns us into nervous wrecks.

No derision!
My decision—
I'd rather watch The Spinners on the television.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

So she said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Do it till our hearts go boom!
Go native,
Creative
Living in the living room.

This folly
Is jolly.
Bend me over backwards on me Hostess trolley.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Me 'eavy breathing days have gone.
I'm older,
Feel colder.
It's other things that turn me on.

I'm imploring:
I'm boring.
Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

So she said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Have a crazy night of love!
I'll strip bare.
I'll just wear
Stilettos and an oven glove.

Don't starve a
Girl of a palaver.
Dangle from the wardrobe in your Balaclava.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I know I'd only get it wrong.

Don't angle
For me to dangle.
Me arms 'ave never been that strong.

Stop pouting.
Stop shouting.
You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Share a night of wild romance,
Frenetic,
Poetic!
This could be your last big chance

To quote Milton,
To eat Stilton,
To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I've got other little jobs on hand.
Don't grouse
Around the house.
I've got a busy evening planned.

Stop nagging.
I'm flagging.
You know as well as I do that the pipes want lagging.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it
While I'm really in the mood!
Three cheers!
It's years
Since I caught you even semi-nude.

Be drastic
Gymnastic.
Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I must refuse to get undressed.
I feel silly.
It's too chilly
To go without me thermal vest.

Don't choose me.
Don't use me.
Me mother sent a note to say you must excuse me.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I feel I absolutely must.
I won't exempt you,
Want to tempt you,
Want to drive you mad with lust.

No cautions,
Just contortions!
Smear an avocado on me lower portions.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
It's really not my cup of tea.
I'm harassed,
Embarrassed.
I wish you hadn't picked on me.

No dramas!
Give me me pyjamas.
The only girl I'm mad about is Judith Chalmers.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I really want to run amok.
Let's wiggle.
Let's jiggle.
Let's really make the rafters rock.

Be mighty.
Be flighty.
Come and melt the buttons on me flameproof nightie.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I really want to rant and rave.
Let's go,
'Cause I know
Just how I want you to behave:

Not bleakly,
Not meekly.
Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!.

[janeg]

Our local newsagent once did a window with a hostess trolley as a table for books. One was 'the Joy of Sex"...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,


"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.


"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"


Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.


"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.


"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him


"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.


"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,


"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"


Says the duck.


"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"


Says the barman.

"The circus?"


Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"


Replies the barman.

"The circus?"


The duck asks again.




with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ........
> .
> .

> .
> .
> .

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

Some puns..etc...

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· When chemists die, they barium.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen - Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy

Groan! Groan!

When I was about 10 my favorite joke was:

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

But you hands in it pockets and tickle its balls!

Confucius did not say....

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ....

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Two nuns in the bath - one says "Where's the soap?" other one replies "Yes, doesn't it"

This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box for use as his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for it and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer ?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me ?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him once more; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting:

" HEY YOU IN THERE. WOULD YOU LIKE GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME ?"

A little voice came out of the box .............

"I heard you the first time. I'm putting my shoes on. "

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely..

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. ...........

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


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.............. ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy.

And the best man says :
"Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around" !


"BROOM BROOM".

IF DOGS WORKED IN AN OFFICE


Whoever put this together has definitely had some office experience.
My favorite is the one faking sick leave...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lofjaRtSssk

Hi@rawkaren hope my joke gave you a muchneeded chuckle! Xx
Love the look of this youtube..its tantalising me! But haven't much broadband usage left for April,so might have to wait til ist May to watch ...aaaaarghhhh!