The FastDay Forum

I hate to suggest this, but is there any chance that he needs the money to buy drugs? It seems like a strange amount of money to ask someone 4 hours away to borrow. But, when someone is doing drugs they will do anything just to get that next fix. I hope that's not it, but I wanted to throw it out there as a possibility. If that is the case, then of course you should not give him the money!

It's interesting to hear things from a mom's point of view. I'm guilty of not calling family enough--but I really just don't like talking on the phone. I never have and I never will. [I should add that they are just as guilty about not calling me]

I like carieoates solution: text him back telling him to ring you.

[Tracieknits]

Oh dear, now I know I'm the odd man out, but I would text back saying something like "It's so good to hear from you! I love you and miss you! What do you need the money for? Please call"

Thing is, people are so cut off from each other now. The LAST thing I would encourage is keeping distance by not responding. He's reaching out to you for help - it's an opportunity. You have no idea of his emotional state or what's going on in his world.

So many adults are lonely and miserable and feel unloved - especially those with conditions like Aspergers.

@MaryAnn - I feel exactly that same way. My parents now spend most of the year in Florida and I'm terrible about calling, because like you I don't really enjoy the phone, but they don't call me either! But, I often feel guilty about it. However, I don't think it's quite as bad as Sally's situation. I do at least call them on their birthdays!

@Sallyo I am so sorry you are having this difficulty with your sons. I have 4 sons and 1 daughter none of them with personality problems but I do 90 per cent of the phoning I understand they are busy. I would say to think long and hard before ignoring the text it is a very big step to widen a gulf between you and your children unfortunately it is the lot of a parent to love unconditionally and it will be you that will suffer if ties are broken. Get in touch and ask what the petrol is for not as a straight question but ( oh are you planning a trip?) sort of way. Also let him know how much it means to you that he congratulated you. I hope that whatever you decide to do it turns out O.K,

Hello friends,

I want advice, but who to ask? you, of course.

My son is somewhat emotionally dis-functional. He lives 4 hours drive away. He is 29. He never contacts me, except by text message, even on my 60th birthday.

Today I got a text -first I've heard from him since Christmas:
**
Are there other options I haven't considered?

I've mulled this over since I first read it this morning. Most people have just about covered it, but here's my Penny's worth.

How often do you contact him, Sally? Keep those channels of communication open in any way you can. If you don't think he will phone you, for whatever reason, then text might be the only option. You may describe him as emotionally dysfunctional, but it's to you he has turned; would you rather he 'd have turned to payday loans (if you have those hateful things over there) or worse.

You may feel resentful, but you hold the future in your hands; don't blow it away in a puff of maternal grumpiness. You might not get a second chance xx

I was going to suggest that you could talk to him and explain your feelings and how his actions affect you @Sallyo - then I thought of my grandson who is autistic (he is only 9 years old but will always be the same), and realised that however hard you try you will never change the way your son thinks. You can only carry on doing your best for him and loving him for the way he is, not how everyone thinks he should be. As others here have suggested, just keep in touch with him despite his not remembering your birthday or phoning you.

I know how hard it is for my daughter and it must be similar for you, at least you know that we are all here for you - hundreds of willing shoulders to cry on if ever you need them.

Big hugs

You might not like what I am about to say....and like Penny I have been thinking it over.
As the mother of two sons (now in their thirties)I know that boys don't often want to say they need their mothers, even when they do, and that little text may well have been a cry for help. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You are his mother. I would ring him, tell him first what you told us about how you feel and find out what he needs the money for and why he asked you. If it seems a reasonable request then 'lend' him the money. However, if he asks again at a later date and he hasn't contacted you any more then you will have a reason to say 'no' next time. At least you will have tried this time around.

What a dilemma for you @Sallyo! I have two grown-up daughters and one grown-up son, who has lived at home with us since his graduation from University - he's now 38 but just buying his first house! When he was at Uni he never initiated phone calls even though he is a very loving son and we get on really well! It's a man thing I think - this lack of communication over distances.

I think that, if I were you, I would thank your son for the congratulations (I didn't understand his comment but assume it's a valid one) but wouldn't just ignore the request for a loan. (It's rather a small amount for a 29 year old to be borrowing isn't it? I think that's very curious). I think it needs to be dealt with and the way I would approach it is to say that you are not going to lend him any money unless he can phone you and give a very good justification for it. If he phones then that may be your opportunity to talk to him about how it has made you feel.

I hope that you manage to decide what to do and I think that it's wonderful that you felt that you could turn to members of this forum for their views. Maybe we have helped a little.

Hi @Sallyo Well I really feel for you right now because you're torn between the "parental" side where we love our children and will do anything for them I know I would+do.
Its so hard to try and find a happy medium ground to stand on and I don't have the same problem as you've got quite the opposite actually because mine won't have the cash we keep creaming off for them so it sits in our safe waiting.
Probably because of that my judgement may not impress but I certainly wouldn't be used not for any length of time or repeatedly for me it would be sorry but now the handouts are over, of course this could result in a cut off from your son so you need to think things over before acting which is obviously what you're doing now if you go this way just say
" no not this time I haven't got any spare cash"
Just to test the reaction, but it's very naughty of him not to keep in touch even the occasional phone call is
better than none.
Hugs and hope someone's thoughts help.

Sallyo, I feel for you even though we know that being a parent is never easy, somehow we thought it would be as they got older.

I hope this isn’t too late, in your second post you wrote,

“If he would ring me up and tell me what are the circumstances in which he needs this money, I might feel differently. And if he would ring me up just to say hello every now and again and make some effort to talk to me when I ring him, then it would be different.”

Decide what you want - if you think you’ll feel differently if he would ring, etc., then there’s only one way that will happen, so I agree with those who’ve said, ring him and say the words.

Dealing with our ‘children’ who don’t fit into our patterns of living is amongst the hardest things for a parent. All I can do is wish you well and be very thankful for our own situation now.

Lots of good advice here Sally. I think you will have to pick the advice that sits best with you and what you know of your son. I do sympathise with a husband and 3 boys who are at varying points on the spectrum. I tried so hard to give them emotional vocabularly when they were little; but they still seem to struggle. Good luck with whichever path you chose to take. Claire x

Hi Sallyo ..all i can add is they say you have a son til he marries, a daughter for life...so it seems from that saying, and from replies here,it's true that many adult men arent great at communicating with Mum.
i hope they gave you joy as little boys even if now they cause you sorrow
I dont know what the correct answer is but i think youre wise to sleep on it ,let everything settle in your mind,weigh up what everyone has said and take it all into account,but go with what your gut tells you will be the best outcome x

Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's great to get this range of thoughts. You were the perfect friends to share this with. I know he doesn't need money for drugs. He is congratulating me because I am standing as a candidate in the state election - a candidate for a different political party from the one he supports. We are a family of political animals. I did used to try to ring him regularly but you always get the answering machine which says 'don't leave a message because I never listen to them.' I also tried regular letters, just chatty letters about daily life. I have tried telling him how I feel, face to face. He did come home at Christmas this year bringing a new girlfriend, who we had never been officially told about, and our lovely 7 year old grand child. We were thrilled he came home. I gave him an expensive sleeping bag for a present. He gave us lollies. But I'm not complaining. Just painting the scene. I think he acts like a 14 year old.

I did have a lot of joy from both my boys when they were little. We just haven't transitioned very well into a grown up family. I try hard but nothing I do seems to make any difference. I think the truth is, as someone said here: it's not me who has a problem, it's them. I can't change them. I've done my best as a parent but now it's over to them to work out what kind of adults they are going to be.

I think I will text back, thanks for the congratulations. About the money, give me a ring. That puts the ball back in his court.

We have some very good friends, who have sons the same age as us. The mum struggled with communicating with them & we never understood why as we found them easy to get along with. It wasn't until one son visited & we saw how the family dynamic changed that it became clearer.

The parents wanted to be closer but the son took the interest as intrusion & was hostile so the mum felt rejected & tried to get the son to be "nicer". He felt more got at, vicious circle ensued...

It's not to say that's what is happening with your family but I thought to say to my friend just to let the son get on with it & be relaxed when in contact but I'm not brave enough. Apparently, it's still difficult & son has emigrated...

I think your plan is a good one. Not everyone grows up & some people are just selfish.