The FastDay Forum

I had huge trouble with son. WE decided as parents that enough was enough and NO was our big word. We got him help and now have the best son I could wish for.
I am the lucky one I know but you need to live with whatever decision you make and I know I would not listen to so called friends who abandoned us and real friends who wanted to help us all and be there to listen.
Do what you feel good about if that is how you can live your life. A son will always be a son and I know how hard it is to say NO. I had to reach my decision myself as that is how I lived with it. Hope this makes sense.

I think I will text back, thanks for the congratulations. About the money, give me a ring. That puts the ball back in his court.[/quote]

That sounds like a good plan @Sallyo
I think it was@Wineoclock who said they have a problem not you
It struck me as being very true
I hope things improve as I' m sure you would love to see more of the little grandchild as well as the boys x

I just saw this post Sally.
I don't have any wisdom to send further to the other members helpful ideas, but sending lots of hugs.
Great to have a trusted outlet, we all feel special that you can share with us.

I like your plan Sallyo. I'm a parent of two teenagers and think I've probably learnt a lot just reading the responses you've got on this thread! Both my parents have passed away in the last few years, and that, along with parenting my own kids has allowed me a lot of relfection on my own relationship with my parents, particularly the areas I could have done so much better.

It can be balancing act, the "supporting" of children - balancing emotional support and financial support. I'm hoping to find a good balance of heart open/bank closed as mine become more independent. Their role and response to that is theirs to own and manage.

You sound like such a lovely mum to me - with a heart open and ready whenever they're ready to accept that.

All the best Sallyo!

Just curious how things turned out? @Sallyo

Thanks @cblasz, I sent him back a text, thanking him for his congratulations and saying, to ring me about the $30. I haven't heard from him.

Oh. I'm sorry. I think you did the right thing though. I hope he comes around soon.

A bit late in on this, but as I was reading through my vote was for the solution you took. You haven't ignored him, but you haven't mindlessly given the money either, you've opened the door - up to him now!

@Sallyo, thanks for the update. I'm sorry that you didn't get an immediate response from your son but at least you acted after a period of reflection and made yourself clear to him. I don't think that there is anything more that you can do now, apart from send him the occasional newsy letter or text - without expecting or requesting a response. Whatever happens in the future I wish you and yours all the best.

Good move @sallyo. My bro and my mum don't speak to each other. He spent years taking handouts and she never got a penny of it back. He went bankrupt and she kept handing out. He asked me for cash and I always said no. She became consumed with anger and resentment, he with guilt. The upshot is that there is no relationship between them. It doesn't help that he is in the Maldives and Bali and she in the UK, but I still have a relationship with him. She on the other hand has had no opportunity to interact with her grandson. It's a very sad state of affairs. So you are not the only one, but I think you did the right thing. Hugs

Well, strange to say, when I'd given up on hearing from him, he rang me! Thank you dear Friends for allowing me to vent here and for your wonderful thoughtful responses. We had a friendly chatty talk about politics, the grand daughter, the girl friend, his job etc, and then he broached the money question. I was able to say that I felt bad that he only contacted me when he wanted money and I didn't like getting a text about it. I said it made me feel used and that I was really sad that I didn't hear from him otherwise. Then I said I would give him $50, not lend because we both know he won't pay it back. I felt able to be generous - well, it's not a huge sum, because I've recently been paid back-pay for some work, so I'm flush. Had I not been I'd have felt ok to say, 'no, I can't'. He SAID he'd try to contact me more regularly and that he was going to come up soon to go to a friend's wedding and would stay with us then. So I hope I did the right thing with the money. The point that makes me think I did do the right thing, is that I felt I told him how I felt, I felt heard, and I don't feel resentful. I have refused 'loans' in the past when I wasn't feeling as wealthy as I do today. I'm just responding to @rawkarenpoint about her mother supporting her brother and how it ended. Very sad. I really hope I don't end up there, but it's possible.

All sounds tremendously positive to me, am truely thrilled that you felt able to offer him the money without feeling resentful

I'd say that as long as you felt like giving him the money, that's fine.i think It is unpaid 'loans' that cause the problems. I am glad you were able to chat it makes a big difference.