The FastDay Forum

Hello friends,

I want advice, but who to ask? you, of course.

My son is somewhat emotionally dis-functional. He lives 4 hours drive away. He is 29. He never contacts me, except by text message, even on my 60th birthday.

Today I got a text -first I've heard from him since Christmas:

'congratulations on your candidacy. Can you lend me $30 for petrol.'

Last time he asked me for a 'loan' - it's not a loan because he never pays it back or mentions it again - I gave it to him because at that stage I hadn't heard from him for months and months and I was so pleased to be in touch however minimally.

But now I feel grumpy about it. I feel that he should have rung me up. Of course he should have rung me up.

I could give him $30 - it's not about money for me,
I could ignore the text.
I could send a text saying i feel used.
I could send a text asking him to ring me.

Are there other options I haven't considered?

All thoughts welcome.

Oh Sally, that's a tough one. Do you have any other children that could speak to him on your behalf? I don't have any magic answers, I just hope it resolves itself to your satisfaction, hugs on the way, take care,

Ballerina x

Its hard because he's your son and I'm not a parent so my opinion doesn't count for much but if he does this frequently I would say you should probably make a stand and say no. The more you give in and lend him money the more you enable his behaviour. He is a grown man, he needs to be able to have some responsibility. If it was something REALLY desperate like food/medication whatever then yes by all means, but just so he can drive around and still ignore you, I'm sorry if I was in your position I was tell him no.

I hope you find a way to resolve this hun thinking of you xx

Well, I do have another son. They are identical twins and they don't talk to each other. Both of them are emotionally dis-functional. So there is no point in asking the other son to talk to him and he's no better - he just doesn't ask for money.@daydreamer21, I value your opinion because you are not a parent, and perhaps you can see it more clearly. You are right. If he would ring me up and tell me what are the circumstances in which he needs this money, I might feel differently. And if he would ring me up just to say hello every now and again and make some effort to talk to me when I ring him, then it would be different. Giving, when you feel used and resentful, isn't healthy.
I'm tending to just ignoring the text. Don't give it any airspace.

[Debs]

Thank you for trusting us on here sally

Without knowing whether there is a history of depression, mental health issues, or any sort of drug issues it is so difficult to know what to say. Has he always been emotionally distant, or is it more recent? If it is no to these questions then the answer to him is no to his request. He is an adult and should have some empathy for another person, i.e. his mum. Not everyone is emotionally intelligent to understand the consequences of their actions however old they are. It sounds as though he doesn't understand the impact his actions have on you.

Only you know the answer to these questions and I wouldn't expect them to answer them in public. I have just seen your response to daysreamer which has answered some of it at least.

Does he have financial problems, and does he work. I don't know where he lives but I imagine work could be hard to come by. Ignoring it is probably the best bet for now.

Having deliberately decided not to have further contact with my parents, it can be a hard, but the best decision sometimes, for your own mental well being. You deserve that as well.

Oh dear, that's a horrible situation! I want to to criticize your son and comment that he is a total shit!
Of course he should have rung you up and not to ask for money either. No wonder you are grumpy. I would be too.
It's the hardest part of being a parent of adult children I have found. Letting go and accepting that perhaps they haven't turned out the way we would have liked or do the things we wish they would and I personally feel a bit resentful sometimes.
If your son was a friend or even a boy friend would you accept this behaviour? No. But he is your son and as parents we have nothing but unconditional love for them.
Having said that just because he is you son doesn't mean you should be treated with such disregard and contempt. Whatever is going on in his life he isn't being a very 'good' son but I don't think there is a lot you can do about it.
You can't control him or make him do things, all you can do is look after yourself and do whatever you can to feel ok about the situation. Only you can change how you feel about him.
If it were me I would ignore the text. It's tempting to ignore him too but I tried that with my sons and ended up feeling even more resentful as the months went by and I didn't hear from them. Instead I call them as regularly as I can, just to say hello if nothing else.
My kids don't get in touch enough but they don't ask me for money. I miss them and sometimes feel I sacrificed a lot for nothing. Then I remember I have done my job and raised them not to be serial killers or wife beaters so it's not all bad. They are out in the world, making lives for themselves and that's what it's all about.
My friends who have adult children tell me things change when they have kids and realise what it is like to be a parent but the thought of being a grandmother fills me with dread lol.
Sorry I have no other options to suggest. Just support and the hope that you feel less grumpy!
cilla xxx

[carieoates]

I would text him back say "ring me". If he rings back, you are one step closer to him. My oldest is 17 so still at home. A text is often easier when you're not sure what the reception is going to be at the other end. If he feels inclined to call you back then at least there's a starting point.

In general I believe that boys can be more distant in the first place. My hubs is so naughty, never calling his parents, I speak to them a couple of times a week, but I've got more free time than him. He knows he should see or call them more, but there's always something else which jumps in the way, eg golf, DIY, watching footie, a bit more golf.

What a difficult situation. I have 3 children/young adults. I find that time can go by with no contact although I am lucky that if I contact them they will normally respond. I am reminded that when I first got marrried and certainly when I was a working mother with 3 young children long periods would go by when I wouldn't contacor see my parents. I realise now how my mother never complained and was always grateful when we were in touch and it is one of my big regrets in life that I didn't make more effort. So I sort of think in my case what goes around comes around. Is there no way you can have more of a conversation with him to gently explain how this makes you feel - by phone or email. Texting is such an abbreviated method of communicating. Of couse you know your son and if you you think this would just aggravate the situation maybe it would be best to ignore the text.

So sorry to hear this Sally. Like Daydreamer I don't have children so can only look at this in a sort of "cold" way I suppose. I know that I definitely wouldn't just give him money when he asks for it, especially if he doesn't normally bother about you. Have you thought about writing him an actual, old fashioned letter? I did this recently. I wrote to my so called best friend and explained how let down I'd felt about her and I also ended a 20+ year relationship with a special man in my life. It was hard but afterwards I felt better...and my friend got in touch and I realised she does care (in her own weird way). I haven't heard from the man. Perhaps if you wrote your feelings, at the very least it could help you feel some relief.

All the best Sally xx

I have two grown sons and know how you feel. I did reach a point where I said one Christmas "The Bank of Mum has closed. Thank you for your custom, please find alternative means of support." They laughed and did, and if I happen to give them a cheque for birthday or Xmas they receive it gratefully now.
Eldest was in daily Fb contact until he met his (now) wife, seems his emotional needs are now met and I'm surplus currently, so I text regularly to check he's alive and he texts me back, briefly but friendly. His wife is lovely and we text briefly too. They have each other and 4 kids and live 100 miles away.
Youngest (also married with 2 kids) lives nearby and we are now in constant contact, though there have been quiet periods.
Boys are hopeless, aren't they :0)

I am not a parent so I can only give you advice on a peronnal level

I wouldn't ignore the text but I wouldn't indulge either. You could answer to his text only thanking him for the "congratulations" part and ignoring the loan part..... Asking him to ring you will fall on deaf ears and ignoring him completely may only makes communication harder.

Just my 2 cents anyway. Best of luck

I know all about emotionally dysfunctional. I have two lads on the Autistic spectrum. One lad is loving but just can't stand to be touched, so no hugs. The other lad has about as much empathy as a dead pot plant. I can understand the never being in contact until they need something.

But, at the very least when they ask for financial help they have to give a reason and they have to sit down with us to see where things went wrong and if there is any other way around their problems. One of the big problems for the loving one, is that he can't talk to strangers on the phone, so talking to his bank etc. about any irregularities would be impossible. For him it usually just means phoning someone up and sorting things out.

i don't cut them off totally, financially, but we do expect good reason, not that they went to the pub too many times or bought a PC game when they had a bill coming in.

Oh Sally my goes out to you. Love harder but talk to him too. I agree with Manderley don't shut him out but you need to talk on phone if being asked for money. Positively he did congratulate you, and he is a boy, sorry guys but it's a fact. I have son, brothers, dad, husband and male friends as my yardstick and the boys can be poor communicators or just lazy leaving it up to us women to do it all.

So Sally get your needs met, any request for money needs a phone call and some discussion. You could random txt him too. That is what I do to my boy and I also just ring when I feel the urge to hear his voice, not often but just enough to make a connection. Us mothers get put on the back burner and it is such a shame as all we want to do with our sons is still love them

Oh Sally my heart goes out to you too As your son is emotionally disfunctional he probably has no idea how his behaviour is affecting you (I have a brother like this, I think he may have aspergers.). So please try not to take it to heart, it's not you it's him. It's hard enough with a brother like this so it must be terrible when it's your own Son.
How to deal with it? Wish I knew, I do agree with Manderley maybe text him back thanking him for the congratulations and just ignore the whole money thing.
Sometimes all we can do is love our kids

Thank you my dear friends for your love and wisdom. I think this is a case of aspergers. ( my friend says all men are aspergers) and I have come to realise that, yes, it is his problem, not mine. I often think I need to clarify for both my boys how their behaviour comes across, but I hope someone else in their lives may be better placed to do that. Mothers have to take a back seat, however hard. I do like the thought of thanking him for his congratulations and ignoring the money bit. I'll wait until the morning. Sleeping on a problem usually helps.