The FastDay Forum

I don’t really know what to say. I’m just disappointed in myself really. I’d gone almost a year without bingeing and purging – in fact I don’t remember the last time I made myself sick, but I did it again today. I’m just really embarrassed because it happened at work, which shows a distinct lack of control, and there’s not anyone I’m comfortable talking to about it. The only person I could tell is my partner, but he’d be disappointed that I’ve let it slip again after doing so well. And I don't want to worry him while he's away doing his army training.

I think it happened because I’ve been quite down about stuff and also hit a bit of a plateau. Because of the plateau I started restricting what I ate on feast days (nothing crucial – just still saying no to “treats”) and I think I just caved today. I basically bought a load of chocolate and ate it hid away at my desk, felt disgusted with myself then locked myself in the bathroom and brought it all back up. And now I feel even more disgusted.

I don’t want to stop the 5:2 WOE because I know it works and I’ve felt so much better about myself since starting it, I think I’ve just focused too much on the weight I put on over Christmas and how it’s not been budging despite being healthier, increasing my workouts etc.

I know this seems like a random rant, I just don’t really have anyone else to tell and I appreciate the sense of anonymity that being on here gives me.

You just had a step back. It's no big deal, I promise you. I know it can make one feel disappointed but it's only one day of the rest of your life. Tomorrow is another day, where you can pick up where you left things yesterday and learn from what went wrong today. It's part of the human nature and don't take that as a failure but as a lesson learned. And the fact that you're human with some weakness from time to time

Stay strong and don't forget you can talk about it to us, we're here for that

Hi @gym-sparkle-90

I read your post a couple of times before typing out a reply as I wasn't sure what to say but wanted to say something to show you some support

just remember we are all humans and not machines so we have feelings and emotions which can result in some of the actions we take. I think that you having come almost a year not bingeing and purgeing is a wonderful achievement so don't be too hard on yourself.

Try and think of all the positives about what you have achieved - healthier, increased workouts, losing weight with the 5.2 so you can draw a line under today, learn from it and love yourself for being the wonderful person I am sure you are

Take care xxx

Thank you for sharing your problems there's always someone here willing to offer advice as for your xmas gain you're certainly not alone on that one, you know the binge wasn't a good idea and you must make sure you don't repeat today's behaviour stop it right here and now before you do more permanent damage and end up with an eating disorder.
Put today behind you now but learn from it and never repeat.
Don't be so hard on yourself regarding the gain because there's always someone in a worse situation I've still got another 50lbs to lose and seem to be on a record breaking plateau but I can't afford to gain my list 50lbs so I do my 2or3fastdays and wait for my body to decide to give up my fat store there's absolutely nothing more I can do.
As for the chocolate have a small treat on normal days so as not feel deprived in anyway but under no circumstances have a repeat of today's behaviour come on the forum for help.
Take care of yourself. Sue

Because of the plateau I started restricting what I ate on feast days

So perhaps the lesson to learn is that eating what you need on feast days is just as essential to 5:2 as eating little on fast days. It keeps your body 'satisfied' and your mind 'motivated'.

And the good thing about 5:2: just one binge will not spoil the results of all those fast days! There is always a next (fast) day.

[carieoates]

I think you are very brave to admit this and that's a big step in the right direction as far as I'm concerned. It seems that this is an on going issue with you which has not totally gone away yet.
I'm not a physiologist, but take it a day at a a time, and being able to talk anonymously about it to us may help you through this difficult time. Like Sue says, learn from it and don't repeat it, maybe a daily treat could help. But if this something of a reoccurring trait (as you said you haven't done it for about a year) then maybe some professional help may be in order. On the other hand whatever stopped this from happening previously me be required, sort after again.

I wish you luck and don't be alone.

Hi Gym-sparkle-90!
Hugs and support
You write:

The only person I could tell is my partner, but he’d be disappointed that I’ve let it slip again after doing so well. And I don't want to worry him while he's away doing his army training.

But you should - at some point anyway. Even though all times are not great times, sharing those and allowing the other to be an important support, is investing in your future relationship to become even better. Maybe he will get frustrated or worried or something else, but he should never want to NOT know what's really important to you.

Thanks for all of your support.

I kind of wanted to share it so then it’s not like it’s my “little secret” like it used to be, because I used to think that as long as only I knew about it then it wasn’t so bad. I used to be bulimic and am currently on anti-depressants for it, but I thought everything was better now. I did see a counsellor a few times after being referred by my GP, but was told that my only option moving forward was to have group therapy that I really didn’t like the sound of: I’m open on here but face to face I am quite a private person. A few of my close friends and family have said that taking anti-depressants isn’t good for me (I know, they’re not doctors) so I tried to go cold turkey which was a terrible idea and was kind of when I started thinking about the whole bingeing/purging again. I immediately carried on with my medication once this started, but then today happened.

I actually feel like 5:2 has helped me, as I’ve mentioned before in other threads, because I’m not scared of food anymore and it put me in control of my situation. I think today was just a bad day, but I’m still ashamed of it. But, tomorrow is a new day.

[carieoates]

You've taken the first massive step sweetheart. Well done.

Oh @gym-sparkle-90 I really sympathise with you but I do feel you should seek professional help. Perhaps you could ask your GP to refer you for more counselling sessions. D'you think they helped before? The thing with GPs is you really have to push them for what you want...easier said than done, I know but you've got to think of you and your health. As for the anti-depressants you shouldn't just stop them but again, if you're not happy with them speak with your GP and maybe discuss getting prescribed different ones.

Sorry, I hope I didn't sound bossy there but .i would hate to see you slide back into the grip of bulimia. I'm glad you shared your story and think you're very brave but you should get the right sort of help.

Bean

Hi,

You don't say how long you stopped taking your medication for or how long ago it was, but remember it can take several weeks for some antidepressants to work, so even when you had started taking them again it could be that you were still without the medication that had helped you.

Remember that if talking helps you can always talk here with no judgement.

I think today was just a bad day, but I’m still ashamed of it. But, tomorrow is a new day.

I salute your attitude. Except I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Annoyed at yourself, yeah all right,you can have that. But a little slip-up is nothing. It's how you pick yourself up and carry on from here that counts. You're doing really well. Be proud.

@nursebean I didn't really feel the counselling helped, it was really just talking about where my issues with food started and I've dealt with the root cause. When I was younger my mum bullied me for being over weight and used to try to embarrass me in front of people for it - I don't speak to her anymore since my dad and her split up so I don't get the taunts from her anymore. I felt like the counselling just told me what I already knew to be honest. You don't sound bossy at all, I think I will just see my doctor again to talk things over - I actually have moved surgeries so maybe they will be a bit more helpful. I'm not unhappy at all with the anti-depressants, it's just my family and friends warned me against them and said how addictive they can be - they helped me be a much nicer and happier person so in my warped mind I thought "Oh no, things are good, going to get addicted so should just stop!"

@Riel I stopped taking my medication two weeks ago, but only for a week or so. After that my moods became low again and I got strange side affects, so I started again last week.

[Tracieknits]

I agree 100% with NurseBean

I'm really sorry to hear you're in the grips of this. My family has a history of eating disorders. My mom was hospitalized with anorexia when I was a child. My sister has battled bulimia for many years - and she's had more than a few surgeries.

My mother got professional help, saw a therapist for years, and has been more or less at a healthy weight for about 40 years now. She still has periods of time where she worries us, but my stepfather is great about helping her get back on an even keel.

My sister, on the other hand, well she considers herself a very private person. She refuses to talk to the family about her bulimia, insisting she's better, has it under control, etc. Then the next thing you know she's getting emergency surgery on her esophagus. Sadly, this has happened twice now. She has a couple of scars on her knuckles from her teeth as well. She refuses to talk anti-depressants (which honestly, that's the wrong word for SSRI's because they do so much more than fight depression), much less take them. She would never consider group therapy. She puts up so many walls between herself and the family that she's now practically a stranger. It's very sad. As far as I know, she's been battling bulimia for nearly 30 years.

I would like to urge you to go to your GP. I don't want you to be on my sister's very difficult road. Get yourself all the help that is offered to you. Take your SSRI's - the medication is going to make your road so much easier, once you get past the four to six weeks it will take for them to start working. They are *NOT* addictive. They aren't narcotics. They are regulating the serotonin levels in your brain. Anyone who tells you they are addictive is ignorant and should not be trusted for medical advice. Don't tell them you're on any medication - they don't need to know and don't know what they're talking about.

I would strongly urge you to *try* group therapy. I know my mom felt group therapy was deeply helpful. You won't know anyone in the group - and whatever is discussed within the group is private and not to be shared outside of the group. Thing is, group therapy is so strongly suggested because it really, really works. Think of the other variants of group therapy - Alcoholics Anonymous, etc etc. It really works and when people give it a chance, they usually find the support they've been so desperate for.

Another thing - please stop using the term "feast day" - that's is possibly the worst term that you could use and I'm sure that consciously or subconsciously it's contributing to difficulty for you. Please call it a "normal day" where you eat like a normal person. I define eating "normally" as eating to about your TDEE. Some days may be a little over, then the next might be a little lower, to make up for it. But it's aiming for balance and proper food intake of mostly healthy food with some treats that don't blow your TDEE.

Finally, I hate to say it because you do seem to love 5:2, but this way of eating is not recommended for people with eating disorders. It really can trigger episodes and it's generally a pretty slippery slope for anyone with an eating disorder to be on. Even thought my husband and I have lost a substantial amount of weight on it, my mother has NO IDEA we are doing this way of eating as I don't want to endanger her. I wouldn't tell my sister either, if she were to actually notice how much weight I've lost.

Please know that I'm saying all of this with lots of love and hope that you will find your healthy path in life.

I am glad that you are picking yourself and dusting yourself off, ready to get started again. And I applaud the fact you're at a healthy BMI. You do recognize that at your BMI, you're healthy - not fat!

[carieoates]

Lots of brilliant, heartfelt advice there.
Im very touched by what you've said @tracieknits