The FastDay Forum

Hello!
I'm new to this forum and also to this WOL. I've started a few weeks ago, due to health reasons (diabetes and fat liver in my family) and also because I wanted to lose a few kilos to get back to my pre-pill figure.
I've lost 5kg (I suppose mostly water, because I stopped taking the pill). Today, somebody noticed my weight loss and it rather hurt me. I wanted to know, if I'm the only one and if not, if you had similar situations.
Why did it hurt? Firstly, because it was the first thing they said. It seems my weight is something people notice first, and so important they have to comment it right away- no matter how close we are. One thing I encountered several times is that my family says always something about my appearance, whereas my brothers are asked about their job or university or something.
And secondly, they always say stuff like: "When I saw you a few months ago I thought: Wow, they gained a little bit over winter! They got chubby!" I don't know why, but it hurts my past-me. It just fuels my insecurity and I think: "What do they think now about me? What if I lose anohter 5 and they say: Finally you are pretty." And also, I feel that only close friends and close familiy are allowed to judge my weight gain and loss.
Maybe I'm too sensitive, but it's just something I noticed. Not every compliment is a compliment. And my beauty consists of more than my weight.
Well, I just had to get this off my chest. Hopefully I didn't annoy anyone with this...
mima

PS: I'm German, forgive my English!

Hi Mima and welcome,

Unfortunately we are judged differently to men, not necessarily worse, just differently. Men oh and ah over their mates new phones, cars etc, whereas we say to each other, nice jumper, new hairdo, lost weight? I don't feel I'm judged over what I wear ( I know, I know.....we ALL get judged by what we wear! ) or how long my hair is or the colour of my handbag any more than my weight. We all make snap judgements about total strangers just by what we see in the first few seconds and it takes in more than weight. I find that if any of my friends comment on my weight then it is usually meant as a compliment and I take it as such. Most folk get upset because others DONT notice their weight loss so perhaps you are being a just a tad harsh both on yourself and your friends. I hope you stay on the forum and enjoy it and that you also get to where you want to be, good luck,

Ballerina x

Hello and welcome to the forum, I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt your feelings, just wanted to compliment you and for you to feel good about it. How else can they say 'well done, you look good'. I think you're thinking to much into it, take it as the compliment it was intended to be and be happy there is a change. Next time some one says something about your weight just smile and say thank you and be proud of what you have achieved. unfortunately being women we are judged on how we look, we can't change that but we can change how we deal with it. Well done you're off to a great start and good luck as you continue.
Dee

[carieoates]

That's such a shame it made you feel that way. Just look to the future and learn from the past. We're all guilty of reacting badly/sensitively at times. Obviously they didn't mean to hurt your feelings by paying you a compliment. Isn't it nice to know that the person in question noticed and then took the time to say something.?

Firstly Welcome to this forum.
That's awful @mima Yes us women do get judged differently to the men folk shouldn't happen but does and whether they meant to hurt or not hurt you they did.
Forget all those comments for now and concentrate on your new WOL because there's no better way to drop weight than 5:2 plus all the health benefits we gain while doing it, all good points to help you along your journey.
You just stay determined to carry on and that will show your family there's more to you than weight problems yes lose another 5kg (if needed) well done on that weightloss and remember you are with like minded people on here therefore no one will judge you as we're all here for a similar reason.
Good Luck and let us know how it's going for you.

Hi Mima,i' m sorry youre feeling bad. X X itshorrid when we feel hurt and sensitive over remarks people make about us but...
There's a lot of truth in what Bal said..i dont like to judge or be judged but it seems to be built into human nature that we see someone and form an instant impression going soley on appearance. If we're mature,we will be more interested in knowing about that persons character but very first impressions can only go on how they look at first glance.
It sounds like you have an overly critical family and get compared unfavourably to siblings and it's badly knocked your self esteem...Family history goes back such a long way that there's no instant fix to dealing with family members in a more healthy realistic way / feeling good about yourself despite their remarks
My humble opinion for what it' s worth is ..
Stick with Fast and Repair for the health benefits and weight loss...
Find a counsellor or therapist to work through your issues and learn to replace those old conditioned thought patterns which have built up over many years but havent served you well. A counsellor will help you to find ways to deal with your family and friends in a more assertive and more positive,happier way.
You could also try some selfhelp books on the subject of family dynamics/ raising self esteem etc
Good luck. X

I can completely relate. About 10 years ago I had lost 47 lbs. on WW. I got a ton of compliments and in the beginning it was great. But, eventually it got old, because they harped on it so much. And sometimes they were emphasizing how big I had been. I had one friend say "Did you lose 100 pounds??" But congrats on your weight loss so far and keep it up for you, not them!

Ps Mima..i meant to say, your English is perfect! I had no sense it wasnt yr first language when i read yr post x

@Mima, I totally get where you're coming from on this! Good for you for valuing your relationship with your past (and future) selves - that is really wholistic and healthy in my opinion. I don't think there's anything wrong with your self-esteem!! And I don't agree that we should just accept judgment because "that's the way of the world" - no! It's wrong! We don't have to accept that kind of sexist behaviour, even when it's dressed up as a "compliment" - as you say, the wind might change and next time it will be critical. I don't think you should excuse their hurtful behaviour just because "they didn't mean to be hurtful". They were, at best, thoughtless and insensitive, and at worst, judgemental, disrespectful and evaluative. Depending on your relationship with the person/s involved, I would be drawing a boundary - I would say something like, "I know you're a good person, but I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't make unsolicited comments about my appearance. I am trying to deal with my demons around it, and even ostensibly positive comments do my head in". If they care about you, they should take that. If they don't care about you, then it doesn't matter how they react. It can be difficult when you unintentionally "rock the boat" in families or long-term relationships, by daring to change yourself - sometimes issues of insecurity, jealousy etc, will cause some reaction on the other side, but you have to know that's much more about them than you, and drawing your own boundary around it and speaking your piece is always a good step to take.

Here endeth the rant! Good luck, Mima!

Hello @Mima and a very big welcome to you! I wanted to write "Guten abend" but I suddenly had a crisis of confidence as to how to spell it - sorry if it is wrong!

I'm afraid the world is a very judgemental place. Some people will comment about your appearance...and some will not. Of those who don't, some of them won't say anything because they are jealous. It all so depends on their motivation...and their own hang-ups.

Women are definitely judged more on their appearance than men, but hopefully, the majority of us have much more important things to worry about than that. I called a halt to my weight gain when I reached 15 stone 8lbs last November. I have since shed nearly 2.5 stone....and people have just started commenting. Personally, I am thrilled when they do, because luckily, they have all been positive comments. But the fact is, I can't be offended when they acknowledge that I was much larger......because I was! It is fact. Even if they were to say "Crikey, you were huge..." I would not be able to disagree, because really, they would just be stating the obvious.

What's important now is that we are taking control and we are doing it for us, for our health. I don't intend to let anyone sabotage my efforts this time (5:2 is just so brilliant & sustainable that I know I won't need another method ever again!) and that includes both well-meaning & not-so-well-meaning people & their comments.

Needless to say, that doesn't include the wonderful people on this forum! You have made a great decision by joining us and will not regret it. There is a wealth of knowledge & kindness on here and plenty of support on offer. So let us help you to get a perspective on people, so that their words can't hurt you so much in the future.

Good luck and I look forward to hearing how you are getting on! xx

[carorees]

Hi @mima and welcome to the forum!

My mother and aunt were exactly the same as your family...the first thing they said when seeing me or my sister was always "you've put on/lost weight!" (though mostly it was 'put on' not 'lost' ). Even when in fact there had been no weight change. I am sure it had an effect on me and knocked my confidence and may also have made me more determined to resist any attempt to lose weight .
I would dread those first few minutes of any meeting as I knew my body would be under scrutiny. And, after having commented on me having gained weight they would force food on me and be upset if I didn't want seconds...sometimes you just can't win!!

I have to say, though, that my mother did mellow and in her last few years was a lot less critical, not only of my weight but of all other aspects of my life. I don't know what triggered the change in her, but she seemed to realise that her critical attitude of people was not winning her any friends. Perhaps confronting your family in the way @jools7 suggested might work for you.

I wish you continued success with your fasting and hope you enjoy joining in with the activities here at the forum.