The FastDay Forum

[Debs]

Ahhhhh!! I'll get plenty from him indoors too!!!
Just sat at Perth airport having a sneaky vino to help me sleep on the plane. Well, that's my excuse anyway!

Enjoy the vino AND the hugs @Debs! X

I agree with lots of things which have been posted here. I believe that our pasts give us the resources with which we are blessed, for good, or ill. However I know from personal and professional experience that this is not in an absolutely deterministic way; change is possible, if often difficult.

The CBT approach assists in changing mindsets, and can be useful (it is not the good or bad in a situation but the thinking which makes it so). In my mind though, CBT does not go far/or deep enough; it takes more than cognitive change to heal. I believe that what really heals is a facilitative relationship with another person. This might be in therapy, or in "real" life. Our selves are formed in relationship , and it is there that we can heal ourselves and become what it is truly possible for us to be. I also believe in the transformative power of forgiveness, which I see as a gift to the forgiver, rather than the one who is forgiven. I was liberated from a great deal of pain when I realised that my mother was a stupid and damaged woman who, given her lack of resources, was probably unable to behave differently. I also realised that she had been a little girl who was full of life and hope, but that these had been crippled by her own difficult experiences. Letting go of my image of her as powerful and forgiving her made room for lots of other things. It was damned hard work and I am ever grateful to the wonderful therapist who guided me through it.

I now know that the crap which I endured through the years made me weak and vulnerable for many years, but also helped me to develop the skills and capacities which I use in my own work as a "wounded healer". I had some horrible experiences, but I would not be me without them.

I know that we can change and hope that everyone here receives the support which will make it possible for them to do so x

[carieoates]

Goodness me @Bracken et al. You need to set up a "Sort out my inner most thoughts which I've packaged up and put away tent" thanks for sharing that bracken certainly stirred, me.

Hello fellow mountaineers,

Just popping in, since I've just written what I love about my body losing weight in another thread - it wasn't always so! A lot of the function of getting large and overeating for me is/was to hide myself and my "unacceptable" feelings - losing weight (or even the thought of it!) made me feel just too vulnerable. Now I feel I can hold my own space without assuming my weight does it for me. Even in the face of not-very supportive behaviour by others. I am learning to allow myself to have my own feelings without smothering them with food - that's what used to happen in my family.

Keep on climbing/hiking/crawling!

Great posts reading this thread is so very thought provoking and a healing balm. Says a lot about the capacity we have for resilience. Thank you ladies for your insights

It's interesting how often food is used to mask real feelings.

I sabotaged last year's low cal diet by giving up suddenly. At the point I gave up, I was doing really well and compliments had started to flow...though clearly not from the right direction (long story).

I am really concerned that I will do the same this year...even though this WOL allows me so much more flexibility with eating. I just wish it was easier to understand myself psychologically.

Over-eating leads in my case to depression, lethargy, low self esteem & social withdrawal. In other words, absolutely nothing good! So why would I choose to go back there when I was feeling great & starting to look better? I wish I knew (but am working on it...).

Answers on a postcard please.......

hi @hazelnut & everyone,

yes, that's so true, I can see my experience in "giving up" after a successful diet too.

I reckon, from what I've read , that you understand yourself much better than most people, btw.

Why would you? what a great question! Now, this may not be you Hazel, in a way I'm using your experience as an example, if that's okay. But I think there might be a little clue in the question itself - it sounds just a tiny bit like a classical double whammy - that figure (whoever it is) who says (but not out loud so we can have it out, just subtly, so we suffer from it), "hmm, you're starting to look & feel too great - you know that's dangerous, don't you? you can't stand out, be too successful or allow yourself to feel good about yourself, because of your family/cultural beliefs or your abuse history, or for many other reasons. (my mother's favourite injunction was,"people won't like you if you do that" - it underlies my psyche!!). And besides, if you can't eat compulsively, what will you do with your difficult feelings?"

And then, just to finish you off! When you get too anxious/scared/discombobulated to continue with your eating well & losing weight, then it comes in with the, "why on earth would you spoil all your efforts" - just to add another whack to its already undermining efforts. When it was that figure that started the problem in the first place! - Now again, I'm mostly talking about myself here! These figures are all part of our psychological biota, if you will, some of them really need a great deal of training to come onto our own sides - they (sometimes) mean well, but at the best they are outdated pathways (maybe related to addictive pathways?)in our brains, and haven't caught up with our latest world view and self-love.

Now, as always, I reckon the solution is just loving yourself up - easy to say!! - your past physical larger self, as well as your present somewhat smaller self. Have you been following Dawn French's journey? She lost a lot of weight around the time of her divorce and marriage, but has regained a lot now too. I suspect (without knowing!) that she just found it too confronting to have to deal with how her smaller self was in the world - that takes quite a bit of self-love and holding! Sometimes that smaller self feels like a stranger, and until we can welcome it, feels dangerous & discombobulating. How much the opposite to what the mainstream tells us about only being acceptable when we are a certain size! We also have to accept and welcome ourselves at our new size. This can be complicated and lengthy, and involve working on ourselves.

Also Hazel, there's the long story about "not from the right direction" - is there a clue there too? May I ask - please tell me to pull my head in if it's too much for any reason!!

happy mountaineering!

Crumbs @jools7 - but you're good!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a brilliant & thought-provoking post. Needless to say, I could so relate to the points you raised.

Am just off to the land of nod.....& then have a really busy Easter ahead, so I will be back in a few days to explore some more....if that's OK?

A very happy Easter to my fellow mountaineers! Take good care of yourselves xx

Well, I only know it because I've been there! That, and many hours of therapy over the last 25 years (thank you to my wonderful therapist! You know who you are!!)

[Debs]

Jools7, you summed the whole relationship up very well for me too! The obscurity that comes with middle age is heightened by hiding behind a 'comfortable' body that we know well, as much as we want to look slimmer and feel better.
It was heightened for me today as I am wearing a pair of tighter op shop jeans with my uniform shirt that needs to be tucked in. I am feeling very self conscious as I am constantly having that 'does my bum look big in this' moment!!! And as the camp is top heavy with men you know that they are always staring, whereas in my baggy work trousers I feel anonymous.
Jools would love the info you mentioned on considering your food more carefully to overcome by sugar addiction although it equally aplies to peanut butter!!!

oh yes, @debs, I'd love to write about the "essences" under specific food addictions, and how to access them, so you no longer only have to eat the food, you can also have the essence in other ways as well. In fact I think I might have written about my potato chip (crisp) addiction earlier on in this tent, but I'd love to go a bit more step-by-step with it. I am madly trying to get all my outstanding BASes done before I go away, so that might be a luxury to write about on the plane on Tuesday/Wednesday, if that's okay.

happy tramping! Rainy today again in Melbourne, with a cold south-westerly. Wonderful!

[Debs]

Have a fabulous and productive time in POland, and not too much Borsht!!

[Debs]

Hi all,
Just opening the windows and letting the light in for anyone needing to put up their feet for a minute or two. There is always a friendly ear in here.

I won't lie to you, I don't have the time to read the whole thread as I have so much threads to read but I heard that this place is a good place to be so here I am

Nearly getting ready for the visit to my mother. I have to stay with her for 2 hours as my dad as somewhere to be and I can't tell you how stressed I am right now, even if I don't go before the next 2 hours.... I know, I will keep the focus of my goal of today : OH is coming tonight !