The first time anyone called me fat was at kindergarten when I was three and it was a staff member who said it. Scarred me for life!
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Chook wrote: The first time anyone called me fat was at kindergarten when I was three and it was a staff member who said it. Scarred me for life!
How sad but very true it is that often a thoughtless, unkind name or remark can cut us to the quick, and as you say Chook, literally scar you for life. Even worse I suppose is that the wounding words are often uttered by someone in authority over us who should know better what a devastating effect it may have on us. Big hugs to you and anyone else emotionally scarred by similar painful memories.
I do like the turn in the conversation here about being women and the pressures our society place upon us. I recall as a 10 year old having such a hearty appetite 
that I could eat the same sized meal as my dad. I never swallowed the belief that it was not ladylike to eat heartily. I am a feminist and became so because of my mother as she educated me not to be trapped, she was wonderful woman, I don't live her kind of life as a consequence, mine is one of much more freedom due to her empowerment of me. There is a wonderful book 'My mother, myself' which shines a light on what our poor mother's generation were subjected to. I think we always have to be vigilant for ourselves and our younger women and girls to make sure we are not shackled to look or be controlled by the myth of the so called 'perfect woman'. We need to like ourselves as we are!
that I could eat the same sized meal as my dad. I never swallowed the belief that it was not ladylike to eat heartily. I am a feminist and became so because of my mother as she educated me not to be trapped, she was wonderful woman, I don't live her kind of life as a consequence, mine is one of much more freedom due to her empowerment of me. There is a wonderful book 'My mother, myself' which shines a light on what our poor mother's generation were subjected to. I think we always have to be vigilant for ourselves and our younger women and girls to make sure we are not shackled to look or be controlled by the myth of the so called 'perfect woman'. We need to like ourselves as we are!
Recognizing and admitting the why was a big big step for me. It was a turning point in fact.
I began to put on weight after my best friend, a sister to me, died of cystic fibrosis when I was 9 and she was 10. I couldn't grieve and felt guilty to be alive.
After that there was the first rape, when I was 18 and the second one 15 years later. My body shut down in a way. I never was a binge eater, in fact I don't eat much but my body reacted badly and, even with not much food, I put on the weight. I understood way later that it was to become a woman that no man could want. I had to become transparent and ugly.
OH looked beyond all that and helped me to deal with the grieving process concerning the loss of my friend and the loss of my innocence. The big key was to admit that all that was the beginning of my troubles with food.
I began to put on weight after my best friend, a sister to me, died of cystic fibrosis when I was 9 and she was 10. I couldn't grieve and felt guilty to be alive.
After that there was the first rape, when I was 18 and the second one 15 years later. My body shut down in a way. I never was a binge eater, in fact I don't eat much but my body reacted badly and, even with not much food, I put on the weight. I understood way later that it was to become a woman that no man could want. I had to become transparent and ugly.
OH looked beyond all that and helped me to deal with the grieving process concerning the loss of my friend and the loss of my innocence. The big key was to admit that all that was the beginning of my troubles with food.
wow, I'm so in awe of people's stories, and how you all share them with us. Many of us, it seems to me, have taken difficult & painful situations and transformed them into something that we can live with, maybe even celebrate - and of course that's an ongoing process. Some are still struggling but not giving up hope. Even recognizing and realizing what's gone to make us who we are is a great step forward. How inspiring!
@Gillymary, so lovely to hear about your mother! Bless her! Really wonderful to learn how empowering that kind of parenting can be! Hope we can all do that for our children, or other special younger people in our lives!
Do let's find time to say something nice to ourselves today!
@Gillymary, so lovely to hear about your mother! Bless her! Really wonderful to learn how empowering that kind of parenting can be! Hope we can all do that for our children, or other special younger people in our lives!
Do let's find time to say something nice to ourselves today!
Friends - you are all awesome! This tent is an amazing & humbling place to spend time in. So much stuff is coming up that I can closely relate to - sadly, I would be here all day responding to points raised if I could, because they are fascinating.
Let's keep doing what we are doing!
Just before I go......hands up everyone who has ever heard a man say "Ooh no! I shouldn't! It's really naughty...." when offered something calorific????
Hmmmm....thought not!
Why not?
We are back to previous posts about the pressure put upon women.........grrrrrrr!
Night night, dear friends xxx
Let's keep doing what we are doing!
Just before I go......hands up everyone who has ever heard a man say "Ooh no! I shouldn't! It's really naughty...." when offered something calorific????
Hmmmm....thought not!
Why not?
We are back to previous posts about the pressure put upon women.........grrrrrrr!
Night night, dear friends xxx
Started BSD 09/05/16 @ 213.5lbs BMI 32.9
Lost 43.3lbs as @ 10/10/16 - got down to 170.2lbs. Fell off wagon (again) but jumped back on 09/01/17...weighing in at 187.2lbs....oh dear
16/01 180.6lbs
Lost 43.3lbs as @ 10/10/16 - got down to 170.2lbs. Fell off wagon (again) but jumped back on 09/01/17...weighing in at 187.2lbs....oh dear
16/01 180.6lbs
I've been watching this tent since @Debs hammered in the pegs but didn't quite know how to say what I wanted, so it might be a bit jumbled up but here goes.
My sister, brother and I were brought up by very strict religious parents. They were/are very controlling people and my father was the only one who had any importance. So whilst there wasn't a lot of money when we were wee there was always treats and seconds for my father, and my mother had a secret stash of chocolate but us kids didn't get. Needless to say because we weren't allowed treats I really, really wanted them. I was a tall, skinny, lanky child.
I left home as soon as I could at the age of 18 and of course I could do whatever I wanted - I could eat whatever I wanted and I did and the weight gradually went on.
Whenever I saw my father it wasn't what he said that upset me, it was what he did - he would pat my stomach and make a scornful face (I am pot bellied shaped).
10 years ago we moved 150 miles away from my parents which meant that they came to stay with us a week at a time. It soon became apparent that I was not acceptable to my parents as I chose to live my life differently from them by eg. choosing not to bring my own children up on fear!
About 6 years ago my parents and I parted company (my sister also parted company from them as well).
Throughout my adult life I have battled with my weight and went to see a hypnotherapist about it who was brilliant. He got to the route of my problems, ie. my childhood and helped me accept myself and stop apologising for being me. As @Barbarita has already mentioned I often talked about using food to protect myself - if I was fat and ugly then no-one would be interested in me and would leave me alone. I would often start a diet with good intentions and end up with the comfort foods telling myself what is the point, I don't deserve to look good.
With the help of hypnotherapy I feel so much better in myself. I am a good person with good intentions and if people don't like that then that is their problem not mine. The hypnotherapy didn't directly help me lose weight but it did give me the confidence to start 5:2ing.
I am 46 years old and have been an adult longer than I've been a child however it took me until I was about 40 to recognise the damage that was done in childhood and take responsibility for myself. I want to lose weight for myself not because anyone else it putting pressure on me and I just hope that my two girlies won't have issues around food when they are older.
Sorry for the long post.
My sister, brother and I were brought up by very strict religious parents. They were/are very controlling people and my father was the only one who had any importance. So whilst there wasn't a lot of money when we were wee there was always treats and seconds for my father, and my mother had a secret stash of chocolate but us kids didn't get. Needless to say because we weren't allowed treats I really, really wanted them. I was a tall, skinny, lanky child.
I left home as soon as I could at the age of 18 and of course I could do whatever I wanted - I could eat whatever I wanted and I did and the weight gradually went on.
Whenever I saw my father it wasn't what he said that upset me, it was what he did - he would pat my stomach and make a scornful face (I am pot bellied shaped).
10 years ago we moved 150 miles away from my parents which meant that they came to stay with us a week at a time. It soon became apparent that I was not acceptable to my parents as I chose to live my life differently from them by eg. choosing not to bring my own children up on fear!
About 6 years ago my parents and I parted company (my sister also parted company from them as well).
Throughout my adult life I have battled with my weight and went to see a hypnotherapist about it who was brilliant. He got to the route of my problems, ie. my childhood and helped me accept myself and stop apologising for being me. As @Barbarita has already mentioned I often talked about using food to protect myself - if I was fat and ugly then no-one would be interested in me and would leave me alone. I would often start a diet with good intentions and end up with the comfort foods telling myself what is the point, I don't deserve to look good.
With the help of hypnotherapy I feel so much better in myself. I am a good person with good intentions and if people don't like that then that is their problem not mine. The hypnotherapy didn't directly help me lose weight but it did give me the confidence to start 5:2ing.
I am 46 years old and have been an adult longer than I've been a child however it took me until I was about 40 to recognise the damage that was done in childhood and take responsibility for myself. I want to lose weight for myself not because anyone else it putting pressure on me and I just hope that my two girlies won't have issues around food when they are older.
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you wildmissus, you have said a few things that have struck a chord with me too. The last paragraph is particularly poignant as I too, have taken until the same age to come to that realisation and do something about it. Your daughters are very lucky to have you!
Thanks so much for sharing that, wildmissus.
Please don't feel you ever need to apologise for the length of a post - take as many characters as you need. Already, chords are being struck left, right & centre with what you wrote about so eloquently. This might not have been so if you had only given us the "edited highlights" (or should that read "lowlights"??).
Families? Who'd have (some of) 'em.......??
Please don't feel you ever need to apologise for the length of a post - take as many characters as you need. Already, chords are being struck left, right & centre with what you wrote about so eloquently. This might not have been so if you had only given us the "edited highlights" (or should that read "lowlights"??).
Families? Who'd have (some of) 'em.......??
Started BSD 09/05/16 @ 213.5lbs BMI 32.9
Lost 43.3lbs as @ 10/10/16 - got down to 170.2lbs. Fell off wagon (again) but jumped back on 09/01/17...weighing in at 187.2lbs....oh dear
16/01 180.6lbs
Lost 43.3lbs as @ 10/10/16 - got down to 170.2lbs. Fell off wagon (again) but jumped back on 09/01/17...weighing in at 187.2lbs....oh dear
16/01 180.6lbs
I think that whatever the particular circumstnces of our life-experience, the complicated relationship between food and emotions begins with our very first feed as a new-born, and that this happens to everybody.
We take in milk from the breast or bottle along with the emotional context into which we are born. For lots of new mothers feeding their babies demonstrates their love for them, and if breastfeeding, floods their own bodies with powerful hormones. Food and love, hate, ambivalence or whatever, are inter-twined for both the one who feeds and the one who eats. Add to that a life time of experience within a relationship and you get the complicad relationship to food which many of us have.
Eating is hardly ever simply about fuelling our bodies, just look at the way in which food is associated with celebration or sadness from birthday parties, to romantic dinners, to Christmas dinners, to work leaving "dos", to Easter egg hunts, to funeral teas, etc etc and, of course, all these events are set within a wider social and emotional context or history which adds to the mix.
I know that food and love are inter-teined for me. I have used food in order to nurture myself when there wasn't much love around, and I use food now to demontrate my love. I know others who have used saying "no" to food in order to say "no" to something about their experience and to seek to gain a level of control. I now enjoy cooking and want to please people through what I give to them. It is one way in which I demonstrate my love.
My partner and I are planning our wedding and a big focus for me is what to feed people, and how to ensure that all people's tastes are accommodated, ranging from rabid meat eaters, to vegans. This experience is encapsulating just how closely associated food and affection are for me. I know that I want to please, and will be sorely disappointed if I do not please people with the food which I have lovingly prepared.
At least I am aware!
We take in milk from the breast or bottle along with the emotional context into which we are born. For lots of new mothers feeding their babies demonstrates their love for them, and if breastfeeding, floods their own bodies with powerful hormones. Food and love, hate, ambivalence or whatever, are inter-twined for both the one who feeds and the one who eats. Add to that a life time of experience within a relationship and you get the complicad relationship to food which many of us have.
Eating is hardly ever simply about fuelling our bodies, just look at the way in which food is associated with celebration or sadness from birthday parties, to romantic dinners, to Christmas dinners, to work leaving "dos", to Easter egg hunts, to funeral teas, etc etc and, of course, all these events are set within a wider social and emotional context or history which adds to the mix.
I know that food and love are inter-teined for me. I have used food in order to nurture myself when there wasn't much love around, and I use food now to demontrate my love. I know others who have used saying "no" to food in order to say "no" to something about their experience and to seek to gain a level of control. I now enjoy cooking and want to please people through what I give to them. It is one way in which I demonstrate my love.
My partner and I are planning our wedding and a big focus for me is what to feed people, and how to ensure that all people's tastes are accommodated, ranging from rabid meat eaters, to vegans. This experience is encapsulating just how closely associated food and affection are for me. I know that I want to please, and will be sorely disappointed if I do not please people with the food which I have lovingly prepared.
At least I am aware!
I've just remembered a childhood incident which embodies a major complication for me. My father was a Japanese prisoner of war who was skeletal when he was released. He had major issues with food. Once, when I was a little girl, he made a cheese and potato dish which I found revolting. I felt anxious, because I knew that he would be unhappy if I did not eat it, so I tried to eat. I remember gagging as he stood over me, saying that I would never get anything else to eat until I had finished that food. Of course that made things worse, as I cried and gagged, feeling that I would vomit. He took the plate away, only for it to be returned at the next couple of meals, and for the process to begin again.
I'd half forgotten that, but remember now how food could not be wasted in our house. Every crumb was precious, just as it had been to my father as a teen-age prisoner of war, who had to find food wherever he could. He had experienced having to leave revulsion aside when eating, in order to survive,and, in his mind, I should have been happy to eat proper food, rather than some of the things which he had needed to consume, because he wanted to live.
Oh yes, it is complicated alright!
I'd half forgotten that, but remember now how food could not be wasted in our house. Every crumb was precious, just as it had been to my father as a teen-age prisoner of war, who had to find food wherever he could. He had experienced having to leave revulsion aside when eating, in order to survive,and, in his mind, I should have been happy to eat proper food, rather than some of the things which he had needed to consume, because he wanted to live.
Oh yes, it is complicated alright!
Bracken, what a horrible memory and a terrible experience for a child and yet as you have said as an adult you can understand how it came about. Both my parents had experienced severe hunger during the war, my mother was in a Labour camp in Siberia and my father during a military retreat across France and yet nothing like that happened although they both believed it was sinful to waste food which really I can't disagree with as a principle, it's how you put this into practice.
My childhood legacy about food is a dislike of formal meals because of being criticised about how I ate - too slowly or whatever. They were often tense times when my dad was in a bad mood, not abusive but I hated them so developed a lifelong preference for snacking.
My childhood legacy about food is a dislike of formal meals because of being criticised about how I ate - too slowly or whatever. They were often tense times when my dad was in a bad mood, not abusive but I hated them so developed a lifelong preference for snacking.
callyanna wrote:Chook wrote: The first time anyone called me fat was at kindergarten when I was three and it was a staff member who said it. Scarred me for life!
How sad but very true it is that often a thoughtless, unkind name or remark can cut us to the quick, and as you say Chook, literally scar you for life. Even worse I suppose is that the wounding words are often uttered by someone in authority over us who should know better what a devastating effect it may have on us. Big hugs to you and anyone else emotionally scarred by similar painful memories.
I remember that before that I'd never thought of myself as fat or thin I was just me. Afterwards I always thought of myself as fat.
If everything was black and white it would be so simple. People don't realize that you are not always overweight because you binge but because your body is hurt one way or another. It may be shallow but, as 2 man broke my body, another man, a wonderful one this time, healed it, in a way. The weight went off as soon as I found some answers I talked about above and that I felt stronger and more confident.
I mean, even if **please insert sarcastic tone here** my mother is sure that he pushed me big time and told me "if you don't lose weight I'll dump you", because, sure, why else would a man stay with me, or that he is the leader of a cult. Yes I am a mother that drives me nuts on top of everything
But I think she tries to hurt me because of some kind of jealousy. She can't lose weight because she hasn't any will power at all and makes excuses and she resents me for that. But yoo u know what ?I don't care. If it makes her feel better to think that she can't lose weight because of me and not because she doesn't stick to a diet for more than 3 days, good for her. It may sounds cruel but it'not my business anymore. I have a lot on my plate already without trying to help somebody who dosn't want to be helped.
I mean, even if **please insert sarcastic tone here** my mother is sure that he pushed me big time and told me "if you don't lose weight I'll dump you", because, sure, why else would a man stay with me, or that he is the leader of a cult. Yes I am a mother that drives me nuts on top of everything
But I think she tries to hurt me because of some kind of jealousy. She can't lose weight because she hasn't any will power at all and makes excuses and she resents me for that. But yoo u know what ?I don't care. If it makes her feel better to think that she can't lose weight because of me and not because she doesn't stick to a diet for more than 3 days, good for her. It may sounds cruel but it'not my business anymore. I have a lot on my plate already without trying to help somebody who dosn't want to be helped.
@Bracken, I often had to sit all night with a plate of horrible fatty stew that I just couldn't eat but one particular incident springs to mind...revenge is sweet 
.
I would have been 7 or 8, so early 1970's, the lounge carpet was one of those purple nylon swirly things. We were having our dinner in the kitchen, it must have been Sunday because we had pudding - banana Angel Delight, which I couldn't stand. My father force fed me it and as I walked into the lounge I just couldn't keep it down, so the carpet ended up purple with yellow splodges
.
To this day I can't stand bananas but I love butterscotch Angle Delight
.
@Debs, I am not sure my girls would agreed with you. As they are both teenagers we have many a shouting match. Just as well we live in a detached house as I'm sure the social work would have knocked on our door my now .
I am inspired my my 15 year old daughter. She is 5'6", a size 6/8 and a foody. She is aiming for a career in food. I have always encouraged both my girls to try new foods and it is ok if they don't like it. She will look at a new food with joy and can't wait to try it. I remember years ago giving her a lychee to hold and look at and she immediately tried to bit into it without peeling it. She will also refuse puddings in favour of eating a larger mail course or cheese and biscuits. She has such a healthy relationship with food and it is because of her that I have started becoming more interested in cooking from scratch and using different ingredients. She gives me into such trouble when I put things in the wrong place in the fridge!
My youngest daughter is so different even though I've tried to do the same things. She would eat junk all day every day. She will look at food and cry because she doesn't like it even if she hasn't even tried it. We often had to endure her throwing up into her dinner plate. Now that she is older I get her to help me make the dinner using the Hairy Dieters cookbooks and she is now able to do many of the recipes almost on her own. I find that if she cooks it she will eat it. We still have to compromise - she hates rice but loves noodles. She has decided that the first meal she will have when she leaves home is broccoli and gravy!
I hope that when they are older their relationship with food will be good but at least they will both be able to cook.
@Manderley, I couldn't agree with you more. It is difficult to love yourself but when someone else loves you it is easier to love yourself, if you see what I mean. I have also come to believe that I am not responsible for my parents actions and beliefs and all I can really do is look after myself, my two girls and so some degree my husband. We cannot be responsible for everyone!
.I would have been 7 or 8, so early 1970's, the lounge carpet was one of those purple nylon swirly things. We were having our dinner in the kitchen, it must have been Sunday because we had pudding - banana Angel Delight, which I couldn't stand. My father force fed me it and as I walked into the lounge I just couldn't keep it down, so the carpet ended up purple with yellow splodges
.To this day I can't stand bananas but I love butterscotch Angle Delight
.@Debs, I am not sure my girls would agreed with you. As they are both teenagers we have many a shouting match. Just as well we live in a detached house as I'm sure the social work would have knocked on our door my now
.I am inspired my my 15 year old daughter. She is 5'6", a size 6/8 and a foody. She is aiming for a career in food. I have always encouraged both my girls to try new foods and it is ok if they don't like it. She will look at a new food with joy and can't wait to try it. I remember years ago giving her a lychee to hold and look at and she immediately tried to bit into it without peeling it. She will also refuse puddings in favour of eating a larger mail course or cheese and biscuits. She has such a healthy relationship with food and it is because of her that I have started becoming more interested in cooking from scratch and using different ingredients. She gives me into such trouble when I put things in the wrong place in the fridge!
My youngest daughter is so different even though I've tried to do the same things. She would eat junk all day every day. She will look at food and cry because she doesn't like it even if she hasn't even tried it. We often had to endure her throwing up into her dinner plate. Now that she is older I get her to help me make the dinner using the Hairy Dieters cookbooks and she is now able to do many of the recipes almost on her own. I find that if she cooks it she will eat it. We still have to compromise - she hates rice but loves noodles. She has decided that the first meal she will have when she leaves home is broccoli and gravy!
I hope that when they are older their relationship with food will be good but at least they will both be able to cook.
@Manderley, I couldn't agree with you more. It is difficult to love yourself but when someone else loves you it is easier to love yourself, if you see what I mean. I have also come to believe that I am not responsible for my parents actions and beliefs and all I can really do is look after myself, my two girls and so some degree my husband. We cannot be responsible for everyone!
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