The FastDay Forum

I don't know what to do.

My dad is in the hospital and it's bad. There is a big "chance" that it's another cancer. How long will he stay there, will he ever come back ? I don't know. I have to look after my mother, and it's not going well. At all. I can't stay with her 24/7 and I may have to put her somewhere where she will have the attention she needs. I also am very angry with her because it's because of her that my dad is at the end of his rope, exhausted.

I don't know what to do. I feel so alone to deal with everything... What do I begin with ? How do you deal with the perspective of losing one parent when the other can't look after herself ? Please, if you have any idea, advice, clue or anything at all, I am open to it...

Oh Manderley, I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you all alone dealing with this? I'm afraid this is something I have dreaded for many years because all I have in the world is my parents. I'm sure somebody will be able to give you some helpful advice but in the meantime I send you some hugs and hope you will be able to get some help.

[carieoates]

So sorry Manderley, I really can't help you, but please vent off here then it might relieve a bit of pressure. Go outside have a good scream or cry or both.
I don't believe medically that your mum could have caused your dads cancer if indeed it is cancer. But the stress of taking care of her must be exhausting. Can you not get help from social services over there. I'm at a loss as to how to help unfortunately.

Thank you so much for your support

Yes, I am all alone to deal with this. My mother is not in a state to take care of anything, plus she's still focusing on herself, refusing to go somewhere where they could look after her and help her, she wants to stay here, in the house, which can't be done as she has to have somebody 24/7 and I can't take care of her and if my dad comes home he won't be able to take care of her either.

I have a sister but she refuse to have anything to do with my parents. So I contacted my dad's sister, who is far away, for her to contact my sister and explain the situation just because it's my duty to let her know that our dad may be dying. Anyway, I don't think she will do anything she doesn't care at all.

I exploded already this morning. I won't be able to deal with this without help. I will contact social services but not before the beginning of the afternoon.

Oh Manderley that sounds a very difficult situation {{{+}}} hugs.
You'll need all your inner strength to push through this time, but I have faith that you can rise to this crisis.
Find the home for your Mum, what social care is available in France? Explore every avenue of help and grab it.
Remember to feed yourself properly as these two people are relying on your support, so stay healthy my dear x

I'm so sorry Manderley to hear of your current situation. Do pester social services to help look after your Mother & it may be that the best place for her is in a residential home, difficult though that is! My Mother got to a point where she was unsafe on her own & I had to do that. It is also important that you look after yourself as well & just try to take it one day at a time & do vent on here or scream at a tree. Don't risk becoming unwell yourself through stress!!

Even though it's hard, you need to reach out to people to help - friends, coworkers, neighbors of yours or your parents. You need support, emotionally and otherwise.
Can you get an aide to come in and help with your mom? Here in the U.S. there are services that do that and are not super expensive and sometimes covered by insurance. We had to have them for my grandparents after my grandfather had a stroke. At first they just came in for a few hours a day and by the end they were there 24 hours/day. We don't live nearby, so this was a way they could stay in their own home.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this. It must be very hard. I hope your sister will step up, if not for your parents but for you.

@Manderley first off big hugs I have been there its tough but if you stay strong you will get through this.

First off I am very sorry you dad is hospital but he is being well looked after so although he is very ill he has got people looking after him there.
Second take a big breath and release ... for your mum take every type of care/help offered to you and DO NOT feel guilty about it, you can not do everything on your own and you must not let what is happening take over your life, and pay no heed to what anyone else says right now because unless someone has experienced this they have no right to judge they have no idea quite how encompassing a situation like this is.

I was in the situation that I had my mother and my father in law dying from cancer and then my mother in law started to get sick as well from what we later found out what liver and lung cancer. Mother and Father in Law passed away within 6 weeks of each other and then we had to look after mum in law which became a second full time job that half killed my poor husband, before we got professional help.

If your mum can not stay in her own home without having someone there 24 x 7 then you may have to consider that she will need residential care, reach out to the local authorities for help there I don't know how it is in France but here they helped a lot with my mother in law . If other relatives are not willing to pitch in and help you then they get no say in this.

This is not something to feel bad about , there comes a point where people must have professional care , we are not professionals and sometimes it is easier for the person being cared for to have that care from someone who is not family, especially if they need "intimate" care of any kind , as much as you are angry at your mum you don't want her to loose her dignity.

So the best thing to do now is to have a plan it makes you feel more in control and less overwhelmed.

1 - Assure yourself that your dad is getting the best care then you know you can leave his care to the hospital
2 - Reach out to the authorities for help with your mum , they will/should asses her and help you with what she needs.
3 - Take of yourself that is very important ... find some kind of escape where you can go or do something else for an hour this is crucial to keeping sane ... I speak from experience here.
4 - Pay no heed to other people they are not wearing your shoes right now
5 - Come here and vent I am sure people wont mind and will be very supportive

Sorry for the long ramble , I don't know anything about France but I have been where you are now, it is hard but you will get through it and there are people out there who will help you even if its not family

Oh @Manderley, I really feel for you. I have been dealing with elderly parent issues too, a little similar but nowhere near as severe, and my parents are fortunate to be hooked into a lot of support services.
Can the allied health services in the hospital where your dad is provide some help/ advice?
You need to look after yourself! Could your mother be persuaded to go someone just for respite - ie if she knew she was only going for a couple of weeks, might she consent? You may have to consider just placing her in short term care if she won't agree, because if there is too much pressure on you and you have trouble coping, then things could end up even worse for everyone.
As mentioned, and as I think you intend, do look into all the supports that are around. In Australia we have a range of organizations, including govt agencies, that can be accessed for help - I would hope France is similar? Even if you can just find someone to talk to in detail about your situation, that can help you sort out what you are going to do (we have a phone service called Lifeline that can help with this sort of support).
As also mentioned, please do contnue to use the forum to vent!
Sending hugs too and thinking of you.

[carorees]

Oh dear @Manderley, this is an awful situation for you.

I can only echo what others have said: take whatever help you can from the authorities and if your mum doesn't like it, well I'm afraid she doesn't get to have a choice. You absolutely MUST take care of yourself and if that means sending your mum into (at least temporary) care, then that is how it must be. Although it is awful that your dad is in hospital, it is the best place for him at the moment.

Do continue to come here and rant, and/or talk to others because it really helps to talk.

Sending lots of virtual hugs

So sorry about your situation@Manderley
There is nothing useful I can add-except Take care of yourself, you need to stay strong and healthy to be able to make the right decisions.

[Tracieknits]

I am so sorry!!

I know it may sound cruel, but if you leave your mom alone for a day, will it help her realize she can't stay on her own? I definitely agree with the others - don't feel guilty. Do what you have to do. And please take care of yourself during this stressful time. You know how in airplane safety videos they tell you to put your own oxygen mask before helping others? That's because if you become sick or incapacitated, you can't help anyone at all. So take care of yourself.

I cannot add anything to the excellent advice already given, except to point out that no one person can care for another 24/7 if the person requiring care is uncooperative, and does not respect your need for rest either because they are inconsiderate or they have dementia to the extent that they cannot tell night from day and will not rest quietly or sleep at night. So there should be no guilt in seeking professional help with your mother, whatever she says she wants. I hope you find something. Worried as you are about your dad, he is being taken care of. Hugs.

I'm so sorry that this is happening, @Manderley Others here have given excellent advice, I think--the most important is to take care of yourself and ask for help from everywhere, not just family.

i send you love and hugs.

I'm sorry to read about your situation Manderley. Lots of excellent advice here. Sounds like your mum needs professional care and that must be your priority. Take care of yourself and don't forget to visit the Care Givers tent as there are lots of useful emotional support tips.