The FastDay Forum

[Tracieknits]

Of course this is a place where you can come share all of this!! I'm so sorry for all you have to deal with right now. Please remember to take care of yourself through all of this. I hope you are able to get some help.

Please always feel free to come and talk. There's a number of virtual shoulders for you to cry on here.

So sorry to hear about your dear Dad x
It's avery sadfact that most of us have to face - losing a loved parent or grandparent
Take all the help you can get to smooth your Dad's path,and try to get enough food and rest to keep yr strength up
Hope you' ll still call in if it helps even only in the smallest way to know we are here xx

Dear @Manderley, just adding my hugs. Such a difficult time for you but, as others have said, I am sure you will find the strength to get through it - do make use of all the supports that I trust are available. Most of all look after yourself as best you can.

[Debs]

I can't offer any advice but lots of virtual hugs. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel right now, but you have to look after yourself first and foremost or you can't look after anyone else.

I'm very sorry to have been absent Manderley. Just catching up now - I'm going through a similar journey too as are members on the forum.
For me every moment is special despite being turned on my heels like you by events - in what feels a wild moment in life.
Every night I spend time centring my space before sleep and come morning I work out what I need to do to manage the day, week and time ahead to help my loved ones.
Day by day I think - well that is how I take it for now
I hope your day goes well tomorrow.
Lizbean

[janeg]

more hugs

I'm thinking about you and your parents, and crying inside with you too. Thoughts from everyone here are focused and might give you courage to cope step by step. XX

@Manderley - I don't feel there's much left to say apart from however low or bad you are feeling, please feel that you can check in with us here and get things off your chest.

Thank you all, once again, for your support

So, I learn yesterday that my mother has dementia. It's sure. There's no turning back. My dad asked to see her so I will take her to him but if she goes "crazy", I will be there to react.

I rang a lot of people, family and friends to tell them the news and to tell them if they wanted to see him it was better now as he looks "normal" and without pain and is still concious.

I am going to see the hospital social worker today and the psychologist. I am so cold in that process so "matter of fact" that I don't find it normal. I just cry sometimes with a kind of panic attack but it doesn't happen often. Now I am just scared on how I will deal with things after. What about the money ? Is there enough to pay the funeral ? What about the debts they could have ? What about Happy ? He's at my appartement at night for a week now and it's still rough with the cats, I don't know if I will be able to keep him. So what, I'll have to abandon the last living link with my dad ? (I mean, the last "sane" one). I don't want to but what if I have no choice ?

And finally, how will I go on without him ? I am a daddy's girl. I adore my dad. I don't know how I will be able to deal with it. I am really really scared. Right now I barely eat and sleep. During the night I wake up every hour or so to see if I missed a call. It's a deep fear to miss "the" call. To not be here in time to be with him when the moment comes....

Dear Manderley
I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad & what you are going through with your Mum not understanding anything. I hope your meeting with the hospital social worker will help you sort out some practical things & it is important that you get some sort of Power of Attorney signed by your Dad to help you arrange your parents finances etc. I know that sounds cold & practical but it really helps to have your legal authority to make decisions on behalf of your parents & to arrange their future care. Try to take things one day at a time & to not worry beyond that at the moment to conserve your strength. You must try to eat & look after yourself! When you feed your cats & Happy make sure you eat something as well. Do keep in touch here to release your thoughts & feelings.
Sending you much strength & hugs

[Tracieknits]

Right now it's important not to beat yourself up for anything.

As for feeling "cold" I think that's a defense mechanism so you can do the things you really need to be doing right now. Don't feel like it's a requirement you be incapacitated by grief at all times as a sign you love your parents "enough". Part of you knows you need to be able to function on some level, and to be able to think. Besides, you need to be able to spend time with your dad without making it harder for him by constantly being in a state.

I think Isis gave you great advice about getting a power of attorney signed *now* while your dad is still competent to do so. It's much harder to get later. I would actually make that your top priority right now. I don't know about France, but in the US you can get fairly cheap forms online that work.

As for missing him - that will get easier. My father died when I was in 7th grade. My mom's father died when she was in high school. You learn to live with him in your heart, and after a while it stops hurting quite so much.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this

Dear @Manderley like you I am a daddy's girl .. still am even though mine died in 2001, you will cope just fine because you will want to make him proud of you and that never stops.

My faith helped me enormously and I still believe that one day we will be reunited and that he is looking down on me and looking after me, but even if you have no religious belief your dad will live on in you , you are part him and you will always have that and its something no one and nothing can ever take away
Like others have said you feel "cold" because its the mechanism that helps you cope , make sure you take every offer of help and don't feel guilty about that people will want to help you especially those who have been where you are now.

Keep coming here as we are all behind you , it doesn't matter how far away we are you are in our thoughts x

So very very sorry that you're having such a rough time, I keep thinking of you at random times during the day. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you WILL get through with it, it's what us humans do, it's called survival.
In the meantime, as Golarne so rightly said:

please don't feel that you shouldn't share your feelings here. This is a great place to do that, with no fear of judgement. And there is already lots of helpful advice in all the comments.

I am so scared about what will come in the future... How to deal with things, small and big. An example, if I keep Happy I need to move to a bigger place or, at least, a place with a small garden and I don't have the money for it. Or I don't know how to organize a funeral, is there a meal after for the close family ? How to find the time and energy to do everything ? Today I am so exhausted that you can see my eyes are puffy and red and I broke down in tears in the car this morning when I was taking Happy at my parents' house for the day.

You know what's worse ? I am scared to go to the hospital. I am not ready to let him go. I only know he has cancer and that he will die very soon for 3 days... I need some more days to say goodbye....

[Tracieknits]

Go to the hospital and see your dad. Nothing else matters right now.

When the time comes, funeral preparations will fall into place. A helpful friend or older relative will step in for you. If there needs to be a dinner, someone else can/will plan it. My experience with funerals is that people *want* to help, so they feel useful. People step in and offer to do things like arrange a pot luck dinner or help you make arrangements. Accept this help. Let people be near you.

Right now, just go see your dad.

Sending lots of positive energy.