The FastDay Forum

I so hope you make it work xxx

There are a great number of factors as to why Jamie is moving in here with us, trust me I more than anyone know this is not the best situation. Jamie is leaving his family in Scotland and Northern Ireland to be here with me. The reason he is moving in here is because he has ME/CFS and never finished his secondary education because he was bedbound. He has managed to work himself up a bit to where he can survive a few hours without needing a rest or falling asleep but he has never been employed. He is hoping to go into college and maybe get an apprentiship but of course I would need to support him while he does that. For that to happen we need to stay here because this is cheaper than having our own place. But we both know, as soon as we have enough money we will leave this environment. I think so long as we stand firm together, knowing my mother will try to poison it, we might be able to make it through relatively undamaged. Thank you everyone for your overwhelming support, love and compassion. I am truly grateful to each of you who took the time to offer your support and advice

I can see what you mean by you needing to have him there with you for some time.

You seem to be a strong woman and am sure you will work it out well and hopefully be able to develop a new relationship with your mum some time in the future

Shouting is just going to stress you more, its entirely up to your mother whether she shouts or not, but I wouldn't get dragged into it, a friend once taught me is the best way to deal with this type of immaturity (i.e. shouting like a kid), its to let them go on and on, maybe humming under your heath or eating your meal, and chat very quietly to another person, preferably the one next to you, when she can't hear she'll walk off or stop, or wait until she finished and make an obvious change of conversation like 'the weathers terrible isn't it?' try it the effects are quite comical lol

Well, IMHO, survival and ultimately thriving as an autonomous independent human being should be the absolute priority here. Your relationship with your mother should be way down the list at the moment, if it's ever even possible or desirable.

How awful, I don't really have much to add that others haven't already said. Hang in there and don't let her get you down.

I would be inclined to not discuss anything dietary with her and just ignore any conversations she tries to start.

It's a shame she can't be more supportive of you

Generally I would not comment on a thread like this but I am struggling to get your situation out of my head.

Family situations are super complex and the dynamics so intertwined I don't think it possible to give advice without personally knowing someone.

You can pick your friends but not your family, however they are your family and come with all the related baggage and emotions.

You sound like a lovely young woman and Jamie is a lucky guy, I too, like many others here I suspect, have had our family strife and all I can say is persevere, stick to what you believe in and stand up for what you know to be right. My inlaws tried to break my relationship initially and in May I will be happily (well most of the time ) married for 20 years.

Practically I suggest you take a walk when things get too heated, put on your coat, wellies or sunglasses (weather dependant) and get out, go play with the dog up the road or whatever. You are not going to die outside and it could really make a huge difference to that situation.

Judging from the responses here there are loads of people who care and support even if you don't know them personally.

A number of years ago a counsellor I was seeing suggested I read two books by Harriet Lerner. One was "The Dance of Intimacy: A Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships" and the other is "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Pattern of Intimate Relationships".

I did read them both and they gave really good advice on how to change the unhealthy 'dance' we can get into in relationships, how to change that dance and how to deal with the other people's attempts to get us back into the original pattern even though it was unhealthy and destructive but it was familiar. The relationships referred to in the book were any relationships - partners, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues etc. I followed the relevant advice and it really worked and helped me change how I managed a couple of relationships. @@DayDreamer, both are available from Amazon and you might find it helpful to read one or both of them.

Good luck with your situation which is a tough one. I'd suggest you don't encourage discussions about fasting - or any other aspect of your life where your mother tries to dominate, acknowledge you've heard her and change the subject or leave the room.

What a horrible situation to be in.

My suggestion is to just keep going and let the results speak for themselves as someone else has mentioned its your life and you are trying to make it better.

Good Luck

New here and I of course I spelled my screen name wrong. Daydreamer21 sorry about what your going through. People have given really good advice. There are people that are so miserable they don't want to see anyone happy they are"toxic" and to be avoided but if you live or work with them that's easier said than done.

You are young and judging by your picture pretty. You also seem to be intelligent a lot of resons for a person to be intimidated by you and your determination. Is your mother trying to improve herself? Your uncle? I hope you keep it up.

I tell people who question this diet that many religions have been fasting for years including romen catholics. It is not something new.

Oh my goodness. This is a difficult one but to be totally blunt...you are 32 years old, you need to grow up and be the adult that you should be and take control of your life.

It's difficult when you have obviously been subjected to this browbeating all your life but people like your mother play on this. I had a mother in law who was just like this - how she ever 'allowed' her son to marry me lord knows! She hated me because she couldn't control me.

You HAVE to get away from her - with or without Jamie. Move out, even if it's into the tiniest room. And get some outside help...you need to speak to someone who will help you gather the strength you will need to deal with her.

Your mother obviously works on the 'my house, my rules' principle but she needs to learn ' if you love something, let it go'. Domineering people can never admit they are wrong so the only thing to do is to tell her it's your life and you'll decide what you are doing then refuse to discuss it further and walk away.

xx

Oh grrrrrr....I just wrote you such a long post, Daydreamer & somehow I became logged out during the writing of it....so lost the lot.

Am going out shortly, so can't write it all again now, so here are the edited highlights:

Big hugs are winging their way to you.

Many of us have narcissistic mothers. I suspect you might too. Google it. Knowledge is power....if you understand exactly what you are dealing with, you can protect yourself from the pain & stop it from affecting you quite as much (haven't got there myself yet, but have started along the road). It's not fair to have such a controlling & critical parent, it's not what any of us had a right to expect when we were born....but sadly, life is not a fairy story & we are where we are....& have to do what we can to minimise the damage being done to us.

I am 51 & have only recently started to realise that I am a total product of my childhood (explains some of the food issues). More importantly, so is my mother. Once you understand that & start to delve into her life, her parents etc, you can look a little more kindly upon her & start to develop coping strategies to minimise the hurt she is able to inflict emotionally upon you. In a sense, you need to wrap an invisible protective shield around yourself so that her words can't hurt you anymore.

Daydreamer, this is an awful position to be in & I am really sorry that you are suffering so much. As you can see from all the replies, there are many people on here who care & want to support you. Well done for fasting in such difficult circumstances - you are doing it solely for you, so hang on to the control you do have over fasting......because you are doing brilliantly. Then, bit by bit, start to reclaim your life as an adult. She may have controlled you as a child, but that doesn't mean she can continue doing so forever.....

Sorry if I have gone on a bit......it just struck a bit of a chord......

Look after yourself & keep posting xx

A number of years ago a counsellor I was seeing suggested I read two books by Harriet Lerner. One was "The Dance of Intimacy: A Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships" and the other is "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Pattern of Intimate Relationships".

I did read them both and they gave really good advice on how to change the unhealthy 'dance' we can get into in relationships, how to change that dance and how to deal with the other people's attempts to get us back into the original pattern even though it was unhealthy and destructive but it was familiar. The relationships referred to in the book were any relationships - partners, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues etc. I followed the relevant advice and it really worked and helped me change how I managed a couple of relationships. @@DayDreamer, both are available from Amazon and you might find it helpful to read one or both of them.

Good luck with your situation which is a tough one. I'd suggest you don't encourage discussions about fasting - or any other aspect of your life where your mother tries to dominate, acknowledge you've heard her and change the subject or leave the room.

Those books sound really good @JAMC. I know a few people in what could be classified as horrible situations and may recommend them.

(((Hugs))) from me to you dreamer. I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said. But I would find a way of moving out of there, enough is enough, you are your own person and you don't have to answer to anyone. When your mum is picking for an argument just walk away, I know that's easier said than done but she can only get in your head if you let her in. Stay strong hun xx
Dee