The FastDay Forum

Hi Daydreamer, I just read your post and was so disturbed by the treatment you received by your mother and other family. I think you said that you live in your mom's house which must be really difficult especially if she is trying to bring you down. Remember you are doing something really healthy and worthwhile for yourself. Some people unfortunately do not like to see other people change for the better. I think it comes down issues of control and then there is always the possibility that she is one of those people who does not like to see others succeed or be happy. I think you need to lay some ground rules and perhaps tell your mother that your fasting and eating methods have absolutely nothing to do with her and that she needs to mind her own beeswax. I know easier said than done, but I think you will feel a lot better when you take control and show her that you mean it. I would just leave the room if she starts in. She does not have to like what you are doing but she must respect you which she is not doing. Oh how I would like to give your mum a good kick in the pants! I'm up in Scotland, so quite a drive down to London! Just remember that it gets easier after you stick up for yourself and your mother will probably learn to respect you more. Your not being mean if you stand up for yourself but rather you are taking care of yourself. Good luck!

I think that's what a lot of it comes down to, her loss of control and inability to let me make my own choices. I very rarely get to make my own choices and when I do they're always the wrong ones (in her eyes) I really don't want to bring my own children up in such an environment, it will be really mixed messages. I want to empower my children and she'll want to control them. But if I stand up to her then I'm in the wrong and my sister ALWAYS sides with her, I have no one in my corner so I'm fighting a very lonely battle. Thank you for your advice hun xx

A general bellowed 'How dare you speak to me like that' may work.

hahah she can shout louder than I can, she's a great deal more practise at it.

Move out, and as soon as possible. It doesn't sound to me like it's a situation that can be resolved without drastic action, and as long as you stay in the same house, I think the situation will just be on 'repeat', and that won't be good for your health, never mind your fasting. Think you said that you and BF were going to be living together soon ... hopefully not at your Mum's!

You don't need all this extra hassle, so rather than staying and having to deal with it, take a step back and away. Hope this is an option for you DD. Good luck with whatever you end up doing.

@Marybeth I work full time but living in London, I can't financially support myself so I am living at home. And my boyfriend is about to join us (he is unemployed currently because he has ME but wants to find work ASAP when he's here) I can't wait to move out, honestly. I'm tired of being spoken to like this.

Oh Daydreamer how strange, my mum is just the same. As you know, I've had to move back with my folks due to ill health (I'm very nearly 45). I love my mum to bits but it seems to "niggle" her whenever I try to lose weight. Looking at it from her perspective and the fact that I've bean on every diet under the sun I can kind of understand it. However, when I was younger I really wanted to be vegetarian (I love animals) but every now and then she would say "please eat meat" and then I tell her my thoughts on the matter, think that is the end of it...and then a little while later she'd moan again. Well I gave up in the end and just ate meat

Actually I hate moaning about my mum because she's been great to me and I just couldn't manage without her. But it is hard fasting sometimes when she pleads with me to "just eat sensibly". At the moment my dad is away and she's bean trying to fast with me (it's bean really hard because she keeps reminding me that we haven't eaten for X amount of hours...and I've had to eat earlier in the evening...doh!) Let's just hope I can turn her around and maybe she'll join me in fasting. Do you think your mum would too?

Good luck anyway and just remember...you're definitely not alone on this one!!

Bean

Hello,@daydreamer21, my goodness, as someone who had a lifelong difficult relationship with her mother (most of which centred around food and eating).I can really appreciate what you're going through. And yes, at the age of 32 (and any age actually) she should definitely not treat you like this.

Good for you for being able to get some space from her in the bath! But she seems to have a big idea that she can control you and your eating habits. You say that you don't want it to cause a big divide between you, but unfortunately this may be exactly what needs to happen it really isn't good for you to be so subject to her opinion and she should definitely not be allowed to determine what weight you should be. I know it's really hard to shake off the relationship
patterns from your childhood, but seriously my dear, you could do with some outside help around this. Unfortunately not everything can be solved over the internet! Can you get a referral to a good therapist who can support you to separate more from your mother. She has an unhealthy hold over you, and needs to realise that she is not letting you live your life. It may be a bit sad for you to start with, but you will be so much more your own person with a bit more distance.

Good luck! I so empathise - you sound so similar to me at that age, it breaks my heart! Sending you lots of positive energy!

Oh dear, what an awful situation to have to live with. You are going to have to tough this one out and let your mother get the message, once and for all, that you are a grown up human being with a mind of your own. Just don't enter into any dialogue with her about this, change the subject, leave to room and make some tea or whatever. Hopefully this will change when Jamie moves in with you but if you are both going to be living with your mother then GOD help you both. Good luck with that one my love, let us know how it goes,

Ballerina x

If I mention a therapist that will no doubt spark another argument. What I'm really hoping to happen is Jamie moves down here, and with enough money saved we'll be able to move out. But once again, I'll be the bad guy because she needs my income to keep afloat, so it will be my fault I'll be kicking her out. I also get the threat that when she dies she'll leave the house solely to myself because I've moved out....Which is totally fair right?

To paraphrase an early section in a Phinney/Volek book: "While it's a courtesy to tell family what you're up to, remember that you are not requesting their approval nor permission. This is all about taking control of your life, and it starts with this decision."

Being an adult begins the moment that you decide that your fate is in your hands, no one elses. Few things will ever come close to freeing your spirit or your life.

I hear that it's a lonely battle, daydreamer. IMHO you need someone on your side besides your boyfriend, especially if your sister is also against you. What a horrible situation! But why would you be telling her you are seeing a therapist? Does she really monitor your every move to that extent? My dear, you are being held hostage to her controlling whims, and you could really do with some external support. Just sayin'.

OH @daydreamer21 I feel for you I really do there is still lots of hostility towards fasting this mostly comes from older people who are really set in there ways and believed all the crap that been fed to us over the years such as breakfast being the most important meal of the day and yes many have labeled this WOL as another " fad diet" which of course we know it isn't.
You may remember that I'm still an "undercover" faster because yes I'm one of the older people but unlike some I'm open to change my OH doesn't know exactly what I'm doing because he would react similar to your mum he already says he's not happy me missing breakfast etc so I don't tell him what he doesn't want to hear YET and because i also wanted to make sure that this WOL worked for me before i came clean therefor the longer we leave these things the harder it becomes to say the words, but I'm now arming myself with all the paperwork on this forum including the horizon programme ready to sit him down and calmly tell all but I won't be phased by his reaction at all I will keep him listening whatever it takes,
we've been married 100 years at least and I'm not in the least bit afraid of his reaction in anyway but originally I wanted to get stronger and feel more confident in actually putting my case forward. sometime soon!!!
Obviously he can see my 50 lbs loss and my health issues almost all gone and is proud of my achievements making my life far more enjoyable than its ever been.
On the plus side I have the practice nurses approval and will tell him so, not sure if any of this helps but basically the shorter version is, stand up to her calmly and make her listen explain all tell her you have GP approval ( white lie) don't get mad or angry but also don't let her get a word in edgeways
tell her how upset she's making you and that if she can't except you and your WOL you will have to leave, you don't have to mean this but she does need to hear it from you so MAKE her hear and say this is your last hope and wish
Otherwise!!!♥. Life's problems begin by not "talking" and I know you've tried before but she is your mum and at least deserves one last chance but you do have to get her to hear you. Gag her if needed. Lol

Sounds to me as if you and your mother are dependent on each other financially. This should give you a little more leverage.

As jools and ADF suggest a professional therapist would be helpful and there's no need to ask permission or even mention it to anyone else, especially your mother. She doesn't have to know everything you do.

I quite agree with all the good advice here. See my PM for details, but you are the creator of your own life, best of luck.

Hi, I really feel for you, I had a hard relationship with my mum because we really didn't understand each other, totally different people. One of her things though, because of her upbringing, was to feed us children. She could never understand if we refused food 'cos her family didn't have a lot of cash when she was growing up. Whilst I understand that your mum could be trying to control you, something my mum also did, could she be feeling threaten by your independence? Maybe she is afraid that when you do take total control she will not be needed. You did say that in some respects she is financial dependant on you. If, perhaps, you could see from her point of view you could be more gentle with her, don't change what you are doing, and don't change who you are. However if you treat with her from a feeling of strength and knowledge, you know 5:2 works and is healthy, you can forgive her prejudices and her lack of knowledge.

Regardless don't ever stop doing what is best for you, if you have frustration, anger, or other feelings you can't express to your family remember your 5:2 family. We don't judge just listen and offer support and love.

@jools7 Yeah she really does monitor every move. I work 5 minutes from where I live (my sister also works there) so she knows my schedule like clock-work, she used to make me CALL her when I got out from work every night to let her know I was on the way home...5 minutes, seriously. I broke that after awhile because it was just stupid. But yes, she knows my every move pretty much. I rarely go out because I don't have friends close by, whenever I want to out with my friends I get snide remarks made so I just stopped going because it wasn't worth the hassle. And I can't lie about where I'm going as I'm a really unconvincing liar and if she finds out I get compared to my father (who I dislike with a passion over the way he treated my family) and she knows this hurts me so she does it. I feel really depressed tonight, I was feeling good this morning, now I feel awful.

Thank you all so much for your support, it really means so much to me.