The FastDay Forum

I went to see my mom, with my brother, a week ago. She lives in a continuing care retirement community, where she has a two bedroom apartment. She is managing, more or less. An aide comes into her apartment every morning for an hour to help her with shower, breakfast, meds, etc. When she has plans to join friends for dinner, church, trivial pursuit, etc, they are kind enough to call just beforehand, or come knock at her door, otherwise she would not ever remember. She has a big calendar with all her commitments on it, and that helps.

Here's the dilemma of the moment:
Bro and I have been thinking she should stay in her apartment for as long as she could cope at all, with as much paid help as necessary. But we met with the social worker assigned to her at the retirement community, and she thinks it's easier for people if they move into assisted living while they still have some wits about them. Less anxiety provoking. She's in favor of having my mom move soon. Or now.

The assisted living apartments are just very small rooms, with a bathroom. Depressed me just to look at them. But they include three meals a day (at her independent apt one meal is included in the rent). I think my mom would be miserable in one tiny room, without her patio (she has one of the nicest apartments in the whole place). Of course, she would forget her current place, probably in not very long, the way it's going.

Sorry to go on and on!

Would love some advice from anyone to whom this story sounds familiar!

THANKS,
Wendy

@Wendyjane, good morning and what a dilemma you face. I feel that it might be best for your mum to stay in familiar surroundings for as long as is practical. When my mother became too ill to stay in residential care it was a slight relief to me as it meant that I could move he to the nursing home just round the corner from me and that was the compensation for moving her 100 miles. She had been in care near my sister but when my sister died I thought it best not to uproot her but when the move was forced it made sense to have her near me. I was able to take on a great deal of her daily care and be able to pop in 3 or 4 times a day to see her.

I wish you well, whatever you decide, not easy,

Ballerina x

My mother has all her wits abut her and lives on her own at 91 so is not a good example on one level BUT she has made it quite plain that there is no way she ever wants to move into a home and she would be miserable away from friends etc. based on that my feeling would be leave where she is happy until it is no longer viable, but it is a difficult decision and I don't envy you having to make it.

Go with you gut instincts as you know your mother best. Talk it over with someone else who knows your mum well. The people who love you, know you and care deeply are best advocates for the more vulnerable members of their family who are facing systems. This I have found from my life experience with people close I have stuck up for.

Oh Wendy jane

I would like to join you all in the respite room.

Like Julieathome, my husband has severe arthritis in most joints and is in continuous pain. As many of you know he is also an aggressive alcoholic which makes it difficult to 'care' for him sometimes. I think he also has alcohol dementia as he is very forgetful and repeats the same sentence over and over even when he is sober, sometimes he doesn't know if it's morning or evening and doesn't know where he is when I drive him just a little way from home.

We live in a rural area and our bus service has just been stopped (there was only one bus per day), now he wants to get one of those electric scooters but he doesn't understand that he wouldn't be allowed to drink and drive. He used one provided in the supermarket a while ago, he was crashing into the displays and reversing into people, he was having a lovely time and was angry with me for stopping him. It's hard to reason with him, I seem to disagree with whatever he wants to do and he doesn't understand that I'm thinking of his safety....then the shouting starts, drunken tantrums which go on for hours and often throughout the night. I'm a nervous wreck.

He doesn't like me going out, shopping is OK if it doesn't take too long but visiting my son and daughter and their families is BAD. I never know what I'm going to come home to.

So this Carer/Caregiver Respite room is much needed, knowing that I'm not alone, that other people here are in a similar situation really helps.

Thank you wendyjane x

Phew Coffeetime you do have it bad. Have you asked for conselling or any kind of support? The AA (alchoholic annonymous) have a section for families of drinkers to help and support the families.

You have my sympathy, it must be terribly hard, knowing that the person you love is in there somewhere, but he's cowering away from the drunken beast that has taken over.

I tried that Julie. It's not all bad, he's OK first thing in the morning, we can have proper conversations then and I have my husband back again.

He was such an 'alive' person, always making plans and very popular wherever we went. Now he's depressed because he can't do anything that he used to like doing, he loved long walks in the countryside, he was a cricket umpire and used to organize matches for the youngsters in the local cricket club etc. Now he is bent over, he needs a crutch to get about and his hands and fingers are so twisted he has trouble holding a knife and fork.

I help him as much as I can but it's not easy when he's so angry all the time. It's strange that since I've been doing 5:2 it's given me the confidence to cope with it all - most of the time. Something different to focus on!

@Coffeetime, I've been thinking for two days about constructive suggestions for you. Indeed, you need respite more than most of us. I hope you visit your children as often as possible, and aren't ever bullied into not going. Even if it's very hard to come home afterward, those more normal connections are so important.

And keep talking to us. I never guessed before finding this forum that virtual friends could feel so real.

I don't have the daily stresses that some of you on this thread face, but I do have significant long term concerns. Here's one: In 5 or 10 or 20 years, I'm afraid my husband will have a very reduced quality of life. Will I be resentful if we must cut down on or cut out the traveling and outdoor activities that we love so much? Will I resent being his moment to moment carer, instead of just what I am now, the person who runs the household? I hope not, but it's scary.

Thanks for thinking of me @wendyjane.

Please don't worry too much about future care for your husband, you won't be resentful as the changes will come gradually. The only thing that makes me resentful towards my husband is his hurtful behavior towards me while I'm trying to help him, in that situation I sometimes ignore him, then feel guilty about it after.

I'm sure you won't have to go through that so enjoy the time you have together. Treasure all of the the good times and you will remember them in years to come without resentment!

Hi all, depression has set in here, its really bad. I just want to run away from it all, but can't afford it, even if only for a few days. I can't see me being married much more than another couple of years, I'm not getting the support I expected from hubby any more.
Today I was pouring my heart out to him and he listened for all of 40 seconds then turned back to his computer game. He says he does it because it pulls me out of my 'blue funks' faster than sympathy does. What he doesn't realise is that every time he does it I hate him just a little bit more and hate my situation a lot more.
God, I need a break!

[carorees]

oh dear @Julieathome I don't know what to say really...but we're always here to listen. A bit of a rant/cry will do you good, I'm sure.

I'm sure that once the surgery has happened things will be so much better.

Sending hugs and all good wishes
xx

I am so sorry to hear this, @Julieathome. You suggested counseling to coffeetime - can you get this for yourself?

It sounds like your husband is picking up some of the traits of your older son (empathy of a dead plant, as you eloquently described it).

Focus on yourself as much as you can - indeed as Caroline says, after surgery everything will look a bit brighter. Hugs from me, too.
Wendy

So sorry you are having such a hard time @Julieathome, it must be hard to keep strong caring for your family when you are in so much pain yourself. I can understand why you want to run away, that's how I feel but I'm stuck in this distressing situation the same as you are. Just a few kind words can make all the difference between depression and hope and when you don't receive them it makes you feel lonely and unwanted. I know it's easy to say but I hope you can soon get over your depression. You spend your time helping others both at home and here on this forum.
More hugs from me, along with a little sunshine to brighten up your days.
Take care

Thank you for your kindness everyone. Its got so bad I was looking at holidays online and thinking of charging a last minute one to hubby's card. But that would screw up the family finances, plus I couldn't get holiday insurance anyway with my neck and there is no way I would go abroad with my neck as it is. Then again if I COULD get the insurance, I'd probably be seen sooner abroad than here.

The last 3 days have seen a nasty build up of pain for me. I've moved wrong somehow and exacerbated the injury somewhere along the line. I am torn between wishing the pain would go away and wishing it would turn into something more urgent so I could get my surgery sooner. I am also dreading the 12th Dec when my appointment with the surgeon is, because I am expecting him/her to turn around and just say to 'keep up the good work, we'll see you when your BMI is 30'.

I think I will look up the local carers group and see when they meet. I could do with some understanding company (not besmirching your company of course). But getting out of the house and away from these bloody men would help too. The best way to describe autistic traits is to imagine a man being even more of a man, but all the horrid bits, like not realising when hugs are needed, or forgetting anniversaries or putting facts and figures before life and living, or, making the assumption that because they pay for the roof over your head they have done everything they need to do to show they love you. Did I tell you that I think hubby is Aspergers too?

Big hugs and thoughts Julieathome. Depression can be devastating, I know for a fact, but it's possible to go through it, I am a living proof of that. I am sure you have the strength to go through it.

My situation is complicated. My parents have both health problems. My dad had 3 cancers in 2003 and was in an induced coma for 2 weeks at that time, after the operation, because of the pain. We didn't know if he would live or die, they told us he would surely die but he beat them. However, the induced coma had and still has consequences. It's difficult to explain but let's say from time to time, his mind is not what it used to be.

On the other hand, my mum has a lot of health problems, one of them is she will be in a wheelchair in a few years if she doesn't do anything about her weight. Plus, my sister abandoned them a few years ago and cut all the family from them. It's a long, complicated and pitiful story I will spare you the details. So, as I am all they have now, I moved in the same town to be near them and take care of them. That's why I go to Sunday lunch at every week.

Also my partner is going to be blind in a few years. I don't remember the illness he has but it's something we discussed early on in our relationship. He wanted to know how I felt about it, if I could deal with being a man who would lose his eyes sight. For me it was not a question. I mean, I love him and, even if we only are together for a year now, it's for better or worse.