The FastDay Forum

Hopelessly off plan. In a big battle to sort out my dad as feel he now needs a dementia unit. It is like trying to get into Fort Knox accessing social services. No one wants to listen. This week I have also lost my drake and cockerel to the fox. My stress levels just now are ridiculous and I am not sleeping properly. I had a complete meltdown this week desperate to exit France but of course I am still here.

(((hugs))) @bobshouse, Hope things get easier for you, we're here waiting to help you back on the wagon when you're ready. Bl00dy social services, bl00dy foxes, try to take a little de-stress time to yourself, even if it's just a long soak in the tub with a glass of something nice, be kind to yourself

Today I have been sent the results of a questionaire run by SS due to constant complaints about the lack of care in my dads home. It is damning and you could cry reading it! Things like ' I am hungry and lonely'. West Sussex are going out to tender for a care company to run all aspects of elderly care in the county. It does not fill me with optimism as I know price will be the main decision maker. I am at the point of walking away so that SS can see how well he copes alone but cannot distress him that much. The biggest problem is I was put in a childrens home at the age of 8 as my mother left and he was violent. I was taken out of his care. In have a constant warring in me about whether I am doing things for revenge. I don't really think I am but it adds to the stress. I have a brother and two sisters who will have nothing to do with him.

Oh bobs @bobshouse my heart goes out to you. What a lovely soul you are to take care of someone who didn't always have your best interest at heart. I can't really offer you any advice as I know little about care and ss. Just take care of you and do what feels right to you, only you fully understand your situation so go with what you think is best. Take care hun

That is why I am an emotional eater

Completely understandable @Bobshouse, you're a saint to be doing so much for you father. Can't have been easy for you x

Thank you for all the kind words. I keep most of the trauma in a box with the lid nailed on in the back of my head. When battling for him the lid always comes loose and I plummet! I will get the lid back on eventually though.

@bobshouse. I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time right now.

That is why I am an emotional eater

You have my total total sympathies Bobshouse. I too live abroad and my Auntie had dementia, but luckily, she had a 'partner' who was able to care for her. She passed away in January. It is a terrible disease.

However, I also have an elderly Father in Law (92 in October) who still lives alone in York. He does have carers in to help, seeing as he is getting less mobile. But he keeps losing his bank card/pin number for his post office account where his pension is paid into. He won't have a bank account and seeing as Hubby has power of attourney, he keeps having to chase over there. We too have stepped back a little and we are letting the social do more for him.
You are a very gallant lady standing by someone who did not stand by you. I wish you all the very best

Just echoing what others have said Bob@bobshouse
What a forgiving compassionate daughter you are..x x
@Powla sorry you and yr hub are struggling too..xx

@Bobshouse

Lots of empathy for your situation. I am currently trying to deal with elderly parent issues too - dad is barely mobile but wants to be as independent as possible, has some memory issues but I don't think it is dementia. Mum is his carer but can't cope with him anymore. He is currently in respite care but wants to go home but mum doesn't want him there. The nursing home will not give him any independence and I am battling with them over this. Very stressful. I live 800km away (tho I am staying with mum at the moment for a few days) and there are no family members who live close to them. I have no faith in the medical staff that we have had contact with to be able to properly assess dad. He has never fitted the conventional profile of someone in his situation, in many different ways, and this is not taken into account.

Best of luck dealing with your situation, at least I am fortunate that dad was the very best of fathers - tho this does make me feel very sad for him and what he is having to put up with because mum can't cope anymore (and tho I have some sympathy for her, a lot of this is due to her own unwillingness - over many years - to change how she views things. Not easy to do, I know, but it could have been done if she had wanted to.)

Apologies for making this all about me.

My father is in extra sheltered care that has a care team on site 24/7. We have to pay for everything as social services say he does meet their criteria for funding. This is because he can put food in his mouth and put his clothes on! He cannot manage cooking, shopping for more than a couple of things, cannot clean his flat or do his laundry. He has no cognitive skills, had obsessive behaviours and has no idea of what may a risk to him! He has become lost twice whilst going into town on the bus. He is also now non compliant with his drugs.
I am going over to the UK on 25th for a home meeting regarding the appalling care and also to be present for his assessment by the dementia team. I will use this trip to change his GP too as the current one refuses to help. Hopefully by the end of this month things will calm down again.
I know there are many of us caring for elderly parents, a very difficult role where ever we are in the world. I hope I never cause this much worry for my children.

Good luck with all of that @Bobshouse - you know you are doing the right thing, no matter what the background is. Hope you can get things sorted to the stage where you have less stress and worry yourself.

@Bobshouse

I have heard that things are much worse in the UK than Oz in relation to elder care, and it sounds like it, based on what you are reporting. Certainly things are much better re govt funding for nursing care in Oz -it is heavily subsidised and quite easy for elderly people who need it to get assessed as eligible.

I should have realised that you are also a long way away. Agree totally re your last comment - tho my sons have already warned me not to expect the same level of support that I give my parents!!!

Hang in there! (And I totally know what you mean re comfort eating...)

[Debs]

I really feel for you both bob and sassy, it must be so tough for you trying to do what is best while battling the usual family dramas. I really hope you both find away through the maze. Deb xx